Tell the World

In Closing

2007-11-02T10:06:00.000-05:00

It's official. This blog needs to end. I like to have a playlist on my iPod that reflects what God is teaching me and what means the most to me in that season. Periodically I need to switch things around and make it fresh or it loses its impact. I'm long past due for doing that here. At the moment I feel in transition -- not entirely sure what a new theme would be, or if I have the motivation to sort through how I can set it up. (These things don't come naturally to me, so if you have some talent to share, let me know -- I'd be blessed to have some help.) I know that I love to write and reflect and piece things together that God is teaching me -- and I hope in that process God can use it to encourage someone else too.

So if there is anyone out there who still checks my blog every few months or so, contact me if you want me to send you a new link when I start again.

Blessings!

All I Need

2007-09-03T20:11:00.000-05:00

We sang a beautiful chorus in church yesterday...All I need is You, Lord...and as I sang, the words ringing through my heart, I wondered how the meaning of it reached souls in our congregation. It hit me differently than it would have a year ago.

My perspective has drastically changed this year, and I believe it is all for the better. I have been on this pilgrimage with Jesus for some 25 years or so, and in so many ways I feel like I'm just beginning. At certain stops around the bend, I would come to a place where I fully surrendered my life to whatever God had for me. The funny thing is that I thought I did that about 25 years ago.... then again in junior high (don't do the math, it's painful)....and again in high school, college, and marriage and so on. With each new stage and season, I can see new horizons of what God is stretching me for and it feels more and more like full surrender.

I'm learning this year what it means to give Jesus all of me. I used to think it meant that I would go anywhere He wanted me to go and do anything He wanted me to do. I still agree with that. It wasn't until some deep soul searching this year though that I learned I wasn't giving Jesus all of me. I was giving Him the neat and tidy parts. Our culture plays the part well -- to go to church and enjoy the things of God (some good worship music, friendly fellowship, and maybe a good Bible Study or two). It wasn't until this year that I began to realize that to give myself fully to God (or even more fully to my husband or family or friends), I needed to get in touch with what is even inside of me to give. It is somewhat easy to give the "together" side of me that wants to serve and give and love. But what about the part of me that has great fears, deep needs, unmet desires or longings, doubts and questions, despair and anguish, and quite frankly just doesn't look near as good? This is all part of me too. To give Jesus my all means to quit playing church and be able to give Him every thought, feeling, reflection even if it doesn't look the way I may want it to. The amazing thing is that He wants that. He wants me. He loves the humanity He made, or He wouldn't have made us this way. Complex, detailed, with a full range of emotion so that we can experience all of life, fully alive.

That I believe is what it means to give Jesus all of me. But what about the chorus we sang, that He is all I need? I have embraced this idea, so certain that it must be true. In fact, it is sung and written about and taught frequently in Christian circles. I have been taught that Jesus will ultimately meet my needs, and I shouldn't put my faith in people who will ultimately fail me. I think there is a distinction to be made, however, if we really want to embrace what God has designed. God does in fact meet our needs, but how does He choose to do it? Through people. Broken, imperfect people. In God's design, the church needs to rise up and be the church -- we need to be the hands and feet of Christ to one another. We need to open our hearts to learn how to be vulnerable enough to trust people. Certainly we don't throw ourselves with reckless abandon to every person, and we need discernment to know who is trustworthy. But we aren't made to make this pilgrimage alone.

I recently read a few of the articles that described the deep anguish of Mother Teresa's soul through much of her life. Even she, who is so known for her great sacrifice and love, is just as human as the rest of us. Her heart ached and broke, and only a few knew to what degree. As she poured her heart out with great conviction, I wonder if the heart of God grieved for her. That she had given this part of her so faithfully, but she neglected to recognize her anguished soul was very much in need too. The body of Christ needed to surround her, and to be the arms of Jesus to her when she needed to be held and she needed to weep at the deeply troubling things stirring in her and around her. She was broken, anguished in profound despair, but no one came to her rescue to let her cry, doubt, scream, and fear. She needed Jesus, and she had Him -- but she needed Jesus with skin on. The non-invisible kind. It's called the body of Christ. For those who profess faith in Christ, it is you and me.

Back to the chorus -- All I need is You, Lord...is You, Lord...all I need is You. I still think it is a great chorus. But as I reflected on it for awhile, I realized that for it to be true, what we most need is kingdom living. We need to embrace all that Jesus embodies. His kingdom here on earth. Where there isn't just emphasis on churches to save a soul for eternity, but to also save a soul for today. For life. For living this thing called faith out, so that the kingdom of heaven is seen through our words and deeds here on earth. Where the church rises up to be the church -- which means that it reaches out to hurting, broken, sick souls. Not where it looks pretty and actually just keeps people at a distance.

I'm really excited about several books I am reading right now, because all three of them intertwine this concept Jesus had of kingdom living. It is breathing fresh life into my faith because I realize that so often Christianity and religion and church miss out on what Jesus came here for. Jesus is in fact where it is at --- He is in fact all that He claims to be --- we just largely miss out on it. We are either too busy to pay attention to what we say we believe, to check it out with scripture, or we are on auto pilot and we're falling asleep.

I believe it's gonna take some courage -- to reach deep inside of ourselves and give Him everything (even the yuck), and then to reach out to genuinely connect with others. To know ourselves and be known, to know God and share Him more authentically with others. It is all very relational, which can be a difficult thing in a world that is so often burned by people. Only the Spirit of God can accomplish such a deep work, both in us and through us. Indeed we need Him -- but not only Jesus -- everything He contains in His design for a kingdom.

A Sacred Doorway

2007-08-17T15:13:00.001-05:00

Are we able to slow down and listen? Do we so value the people God has put in our lives that we take the time to listen to what is on their heart?

There is something of great substance and value to me that is very moving to me. It is the concept of being known for who we are apart from what we do. Each time that we seek to hear the heart of another, we are given a gift of a part of that person's soul -- who they are at the very core of them.

This takes effort because so often life is full of business and agendas and facts. So to step into the world of another's thoughts and feelings is foreign territory and we tend to bring a lot of baggage. We hear things through our own insecurities and fears, rather than just seeking to know the one who speaks.

It has occurred to me lately that if I can be secure enough to know who I am, then I am freed up to hear more about who you are and I don't feel lost in it. I won't be hurt or offended by your views because I will see them as separate from me and mine. I can know you for who you are, uniquely you. Scripture references this idea in saying "love your neighbor as you love yourself" -- first we have to know and love ourself before we can be ready to reach out and know and love others.

How many really take the time or effort to know themselves? I think sometimes we miss the depth and the heart of knowing what is inside of us. We quickly move past that to busy ourselves and serve others because we find value and worth in doing something good or accomplishing a lot, and it is too uncomfortable or too much work to find out what is at the core of us anyway. How skilled we can become at glossing over raw places by being busy or even by pouring ourself into good things like Bible Study. I read a devotional this week that said that Bible Study isn't meant for us to escape our problems, but to help us confront and face them. It talked about the worst thing we can do is to refuse to face and feel those things that stir inside of us.

I recently read Rob Bell's latest book where he asked the question, "How can a person mingle with another soul when they are out of touch with their own?" He wrote a series of questions to consider to get to know what is at the core of us. Here's a sampling: "What is frustrating me right now? What am I angry about? No, don't go to the next one, go back. Listen. Reflect. Be honest. Give yourself time. What am I scared of? What am I dreading? What am I anxious about? What concerns me? What am I looking forward to?"

It would be an incredible gift, a sacred doorway to another's soul, to share these things between us. Imagine this that Rob Bell speaks of, "opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, and thoughts, and fears, and future, and hopes, and dreams." Do we dare to know ourselves like that or share ourselves with another? Do we share more than the to-do list or bills or what's on t.v.? How about in our marriages? Or parenting our kids? Or a person God put in our life that we can go deep with and have an authentic relationship that goes beneath the surface?

There have been a few phrases in my counseling that have ministered to my spirit. They have been spoken to me, and I've been so blessed by it that I want to tell these to my sons or daughters, husband or friends. "Tell me about that." "I want to hear..." "Help me understand how that feels for you." Giving someone full freedom to feel the range of emotions without trying to cut them off or fix them. Just letting them pour out what is on their mind and heart.

Know what stirs inside of you and be open to share it with authenticity. Commit to hear and to understand and to see. Only when we invest in authentic relationships will we be able to hear another's heart, enter a sacred doorway to who they are, and begin to understand the intimacy of a shared life.

Why I Love Jesus

2007-07-22T15:34:00.000-05:00

I recently read on a friend's blog, and was "tagged" to answer the question why I love Jesus. Seems like such a simple, basic question. Maybe it is all the soul searching I've been doing this year, but I didn't want to give a quick answer without having really thought it through. I have been raised in the church, and I'm finally getting to the point where I want to start over and look at things with greater passion. It seemed when I would ask tough questions growing up, or my heart was aching, I was so often given a pat answer like "let go and let God." So often we can answer something quickly because we've been taught what to say, but maybe we haven't taken the time to digest it and consider it anew.

What follows is a list of some of the things that ran through my mind as I pondered the question. I spent some time considering what I remembered from the gospels and could see in the life of Jesus on earth. This exercise brought a lot of joy to my heart to be reminded of even just some of the things that Jesus means to me. What a great thing to spend time reflecting on! I have added scriptures for my own benefit, but also if anyone wants to do a little digging themselves. In many cases, there would be countless examples found in the scriptures, but I just found one or two that would help make the point.

I hope and pray this might spur someone else on to share their love for Jesus too. If there are things you want to add, or scriptures that speak so pointedly, please add to them by posting some comments. It would be a pretty cool drum roll for Jesus if we keep the adoration for Him going.

Why I love Jesus… I love how he pursues us uniquely, individually, and relentlessly…

I love the way he shows up where people least expect him, and he kind of waits to let them figure out he’s been there all along… walking on water to get to the boat (John 6:19), at the tomb (John 20:14), the road to Emmaus (Luke 24:15-16), and making breakfast at the beach (John 21:4,12). Even when we don’t realize it at first, he is there – pursuing us, causing us to wonder and grow into more of him. He doesn’t throw himself on us, but creates a bit of a hunger and awe about him.
I love the way he calls out our name, when we didn’t realize he even knew we were there or who we were. And yet, he knows. Mary (John 20:16) Zacchaeus (Luke 19:5) I love how he knows more about us than we even know about ourselves. Nothing is hidden from him. (John 4:17-18, 39)
I love his heart for people and how he wants to hear their stories (Mark 9:21) and lets them share their heart (Matthew 20:32).

I love his authenticity and depth…

I love how he goes boating and spends time on the sea, and how he isn’t afraid of a storm. I want him with me when the waters rage. (Matthew 8:23-27)
I love that he knows how it feels to face rejection (Mark 6:4), and yet he shakes the dust off his feet and presses on in kingdom living (Matthew 10:14).
I love how he shares even the hardest of emotions – he cries (Luke 19:41, John 11:35), he gets angry (John 2:15-16), he knows anguish (Luke 22:44), he feels forsaken (Matthew 27:46), he has been overwhelmed with sorrow, deeply distressed and troubled (Mark 14:33-34).
I love that he has walked painful times of suffering because I know he can handle mine. He isn’t afraid of hard times. (Matthew 4:1-11)
I love the way he chooses the road of obedience, even when it is the greatest sacrifice (Luke 22:42).

I love when he shows us some of his heart…

I love how he draws near to people and he isn’t afraid to touch lepers (Luke 5:13).
I love how tender he is when he gets close and takes the children in his arms (Mark 10:16).
I love how he takes care of his mama when he knows her heart is hurting (John 19:26). I love that we can adopt each other and call each other family (Matthew 12:49-50).
I love his heart to forgive, even when someone doesn’t own up to what they’ve done (Luke 23:34).

I love the way he turns things around….

I love his heart for redemption and how he restores our brokenness (John 21:15-17). When we feel like we’ve lost it all, he renews our hearts and brings us back into ministry (Luke 22:32).
I love how he turns grief into joy (John 16:22).
I love that with him we can do impossible things (Luke 5:4-6, John 21:6).
I love that he understands our doubts and longs for us to believe (John 20:27).
I love the way he spends time with broken people, and the people who were so comfy in their religion he causes them to question if they are really as close as they thought they were (John 8:1-7).

I love the things about him that are somewhat shocking…

I love his heart to get involved in people’s lives even when it is dirty (John 13:5).
I love that he prioritized and valued a woman’s heart even when society thought less of her (Luke 7:36-47). Women were among those who followed him and cared for his needs (Matthew 27:55), and the first who saw that he rose from the dead (Luke 24:1-2, 10). The Risen Christ spoke first to Mary (John 20:14-17).
I love how his teachings turn our world upside down (Luke 5:44, Matthew 20:16, 26). He takes us out on a limb, but for our stretching and depth and growth.
I love how he isn’t afraid to call things as he sees them, stirs things up and makes people uncomfortable (Matthew 7:5, Matthew 16:23, Matthew 10:34-35).
I love that even though it may have seemed his time was cut short, his purpose was fulfilled (John 19:30). It reminds me that even if things happen differently than I thought they would, his purpose prevails. He is intentional in the way he works in my life too, even when it is beyond my capacity to understand.

I love how he teaches me…

I love how he teaches in somewhat mysterious ways, where the depth and meaning unfold over time (Matthew 13:34-35, 15:15-16).
I love how Jesus is the fulfillment of what we learn in the Old Testament. He ties it all in together. (Matthew 5:17, 2 Corinthians 1:20)
I love that he paints a picture for us so we can grasp a little more of him (John 10:14).
I love how he doesn’t get caught up in things where some people miss the whole point. He knows what really matters. (Matthew 9:10-13, Matthew 12:12)

My heart thrills in my relationship with Jesus…

I love how he gets away for times of solitude and connection with his maker (Mark 1:35). I love how he calls me away to be with him too (Mark 6:31).
I love that he reminds me of things when I forget (John 14:26). Whether it is bringing to mind a scripture I need or telling me something we need from the grocery store, I am certain that Jesus is the one who is right there to help me remember.
I love that he specializes in finding lost things (Luke 19:10). Most importantly, he comes after our wayward souls, but I’ve also known him to help me find my missing car keys.
I love that I don’t have to have a lot to give him my all (Mark 12:43).
I love that he is my constant companion and closest friend (John 15:15).

Incarnational

2007-07-12T11:41:00.000-05:00

The kids were invited last week to come to a friend's house to swim. It was a hot day, and they were thrilled for the opportunity. I gladly supported the event, even though I sat this one out and just watched. Our older three kids are capable of swimming solo, or at least with the help of a noodle in the deep end. Madison was the one who would need a buddy.

Frank took all the safety precautions -- got her in a life preserver, and put a rope across to divide the shallow end from the deep. Pam came along and sat by Maddie at the step, and they talked and played for a bit. Before long, Pam went and got her suit so she could help Maddie in the water.

I had no idea the full extent at the time, but what unfolded before me was a beautiful picture of tenderness. I began to embrace the idea of coming alongside someone. We need each other. At various stages and seasons of our life, we may be the one who is in an unfamiliar place and afraid and in need, or we may be the one who has walked it before and can help someone else.

In Donald Miller's book Blue Like Jazz, it says, "There is this lie floating around that says I am supposed to be able to do life alone, without any help, without stopping to worship something bigger than myself. I need someone to put awe inside me; I need to come second to someone who has everything figured out."

I've come into a spacious place this year. A place where the more I get to know of my own complexities, I realize the bigger God is. I am learning to rest in not having closure on everything, not understanding all of the answers, and living with ambiguity. God Himself has everything figured out. He didn't make us to live this life alone. We are to be about the work of incarnational ministry -- God in the flesh -- God in you ministering to me, God in me reaching out to you.

What occurred to me with Pam and Maddie was so simple, but so foundational to us as Christians if we want to be a part of this incarnational, relational connection to other human beings. Pam was able to help Maddie because she had been in the water before. Perhaps at one time she had to face her own fears of the water, or learn how to swim. But in her own growth and experiences, she was better equipped to reach out and help another.

I guess I wonder if believers today are really willing to go to deep places. Not just reading a book or taking a Bible Study, but open to being changed and stretched far beneath the surface of appearances. Are we willing to ask hard questions that we don't have answers for? Are we willing to search our own heart and get to the root of our unrest? Are we willing to own up to our personal fears, doubts, and pain? Because if I were Maddie, I wouldn't want to be getting in the water with someone who has never been there themselves. If I am going to go deep in my walk with Christ and really live the thing, I want to find someone else who is willing to go deep too. If I am suffering, I want to know someone who has endured a seasaon of suffering and has come through stronger and better for having been through it.

"The great illusion of leadership is to think that man can be led out of the desert by someone who has never been there." (Henri Nouwen, Wounded Healer)

The gift God has for us, the way He created us for, is shared life. Coming alongside. Not alone. This doesn't come through surface relationships. We can't know more of ourselves or more of each other by keeping at a distance. Shared life comes as we are willing to get to know what is in ourselves and then intentionally connecting with others. The more we know of ourselves, the more we will grow in intimacy with each other. God in us and between us and surrounding us -- He is in the midst of it all -- teaching us, growing us, healing us -- primarily and foundationally in the context of relationships with one another. God intends for us to be connected.

I heard a sermon that ministered to me as it spoke about being very present and available to each other. "We are called to be a priesthood -- a priest mediates the divine. We need someone to join us. We need someone to walk with us. A divine reminder that we are not alone. God has not abandoned us. God is with us. God is here." (Brad Gray)

As we allow ourselves to be fully engaged in who we are, and are willing to connect into meaningful relationships with others, we open ourselves up to more of God too. We see Him in each other. We hold His hand or feel His embrace through each other. He teaches us as we come alongside and share and dialogue together. But even in this divine beauty, there is enormous risk. Are we willing to open ourselves up to be known or seen? Are we willing to be vulnerable and risk being hurt? Are we willing to sacrifice what it takes to be available to another?

Jesus was and is incarnational. "The God that Jesus points us to is not a god who stands at a distance." (Rob Bell) Let the body of Christ rise up and come near.

Believe

2007-06-22T12:34:00.000-05:00

The moon disappeared. I'm not kidding, for about two weeks, I never saw the moon. I'm sure there were clouds covering it, or it was a new moon, or some other logical explanation. I had grown accustomed to seeing it, even savoring it as a symbol of a promise (see previous post on The Moon), and being reconnected with my Maker as I walked Lily at night. Obviously I know that the moon really didn't fall out of the sky, but how much do our hearts feel that way when it seems that a promise really isn't going to be fulfilled? Have you ever had to wait longer than you thought you ever could? Ever get discouraged?

I kind of imagined a chat with me and God as I walked, with no moon in sight. "Yes, Lord, I know the moon is still there...even though I have no clue where You are hiding it!!!" or how about, "Are You really going to hide the moon from me to prove Your point -- that Your promise is still sure even though it feels further away (more impossible) than ever???" Night after night, I told Him, "Come on, Lord!!!! Where is it????" and "Again Lord??? Still???" And it is as if I knew the answer, so certain. "It's still there, Julie. You can count on it."

I'm thankful for a friend's post that got me digging in some favorite verses that God apparently knew I needed to hear. I posted a comment, but even as I began digging to find the verses that were on my heart, I sensed that God was saying, "Julie, these are for you...."

So keep up your courage, men, for I have faith in God that it will happen just as He told me. Acts 27:25

I tell you this now, before it happens, so that when it does happen you may believe that I am He. John 13:19

Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished! Luke 1:45

Every word of God proves true. He is a shield to all who come to Him for protection. Proverbs 30:5

It's hard to open our hearts up to believe what feels impossible at the time. We look at our circumstances to determine if something seems real or probable. We tune into what our hearts feel, if we sense courage and determination or wavering and doubt. Our faith can only remain steady and sure as we focus on Him instead.

What is interesting to me, though, is that He allows us to wander a bit in our doubt. God knows that He is steady and sure, and doesn't need our faith to keep it that way. He is who He is. Maybe the process of doubt brings us to a firmer place of faith. We work it through and come out realizing He was true all along and we appreciate Him all the more.

Look at the life of Abraham as it unfolds in the book of Genesis. First he was called and blessed (ch 12). Then God clarified more of the specifics (ch 13). Abraham questioned it (ch 15). Abraham and Sarah came up with their own plan because the wait was getting too long (ch 16). God reaffirmed His original call and plan (ch 18). Years passed, and further down the road in chapter 21, the child of promise, Isaac, was born -- just as God said.

God is so gracious. He knew that Abraham needed reassurance. He needed to hear that God hadn't forgotten His word to him. He even gave him a tangible reminder. "He took him outside and said, "Look up at the heavens and count the stars -- if indeed you can count them." Then he said to him, "So shall your offspring be."Genesis 15:5 God didn't expect Abraham to get it all the first time around. He reminded him of those stars in Genesis 22 and 26 too.

How precious that God knows us, loves us, and He understands. We wonder, we waver, we doubt, we are weak, and yet He delights in our humanity. God stays steady and sure. He reaffirms, reassures, not grudgingly -- but full of love and grace.

"Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy..."1 Peter 1:8

Real Life

2007-06-04T09:18:00.000-05:00

15 years. We were mere babes at the time (obviously -- because I couldn't possibly be so old), but since then we've lived in four states, and grew from being a couple to being a family of six. We've been learning how to support each other through new jobs, pregnancies and deliveries, ministry, parenting, changes, moods and emotions, and finances. We've dreamed great things together and faced profound pain. We've laughed and played and gotten on each other's nerves. While I started out with idealogies of how grand life can be, I've been toned down a bit with doses of reality. (For as much as I'd like to have Mary Poppin's gift of snapping a room clean, it just doesn't happen.) We've coined a phrase the past few years: "This is real life." And we are living the thing.

Illusions are like a wisp, that when you try to reach for it, it really isn't there. We can create pictures of ideals that look pretty or easy, but in fact they don't even exist. There is a time of grieving the ideals as if we lost something, but they are things we never really had in the first place.

There is a sense of freedom, grace, and depth that comes pouring in when we let go of those ideals and embrace the gift we've been given. Rather than holding on to something superficial or shallow, we exchange it for something of much greater significance and inifinite worth. Herein is the greatest of gifts.

My neighbor is a single mom with two sons. She told me her story in one of our interactions one day. Her husband had an affair and left her. I was very sad for her and admired her courage in trying to rebuild her life with her sons. It was interesting, though, how she perceived our family. I'm not even sure what she based it on, but she described us as "the perfect little family". I assured her we were not.

Imagine if our security was only found on still waters. Only neat and tidy rooms, good moods, and strong health. We would never know how deep and how strong we can be. We would never know much we truly value each other to weather life's storms. This is real life.

We had incredibly romantic plans for our fifteenth wedding anniversary. The kind where you get swept away by your knight in shining armor. Those plans had to be postponed, however, because real life happens. Our celebration was still very beautiful to me. Todd gave me a single red rose, which often marked our dating years and our wedding day. We had dinner for two at a charming place and shared our hearts together. How greatly I appreciated how far we've come, the roads we've travelled, and the beauty of delighting in each other right where we are. Even when life isn't all that we want it to be today, even when our hearts hurt, even when our hearts are filled with longing. There is an incredible gift, a divine treasure, in being able to rest right there in the midst of it all. It brought me deep joy to just rest there in simplicity, not needing circumstances to change, profoundly grateful for companionship in hard times.

I am the most blessed woman to be married to the most incredible man. Lest you think I wear glass slippers, though, we have weathered some awful storms. Combat boots would be more appropriate for the spiritual battles at times. But who I am today is largely due to the growing and strengthening God has brought me through because of them. We are not perfect people; we are broken people. Our marriage has been under fierce attack, but it has been the greatest earthly blessing I've known. I am not holding onto a wisp that doesn't even exist; I am being refined by challenges that bring depth and significance. There is no one else on earth I'd want to face it with than my man. This is the real deal.

Over the challenges my heart has faced in the past five months, I have only been more greatly convinced of how huge God is. If He can handle my anguish and despair, and never lose His grip on me -- that He is steady and sure, when I am insecure and weak -- then He is even bigger than I've ever known. He doesn't need me to hold it all together. He doesn't need me to keep up appearances. He doesn't need me to be the steady, consistent one.

In the same way, through these depths we have learned our marriage is not fragile, it is strong. We can enjoy fun and laughter, but also walk together in the dark. We can ride through still waters, but also raging seas. My ideals have faded, but they have been replaced by a grander view than I ever knew possible. This is something to be so deeply grateful for, and of the most infinite worth.

I've weaved together some Sara Groves lyrics from three different songs, but it says well what is on my heart. This is what I believe a Christ-centered marriage to be. Real life, facing our stuff and not denying it, held together by the love and grace of God, and growing together through it all...

There is a love that never fails -- There is a healing that always prevails -- There is a hope that whispers a vow -- A promise to stay while we're working it out -- So come with your love and wash over us. Hold on to me -- I'll hold on to you -- Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through. I believe that you're going to be alright -- I believe that I'm going to be alright -- I believe we're going to be alright. I believe.

The Moon

2007-05-24T15:41:00.000-05:00

Last night as I took a walk, the moon had grown fuller in sight from the previous nights of it only being seen as a sliver. Life is coming back. This isn’t the end. As I walked I thought about how I couldn’t see the moon for much of the time, but it didn’t mean it wasn’t there. At some point, I would turn a corner and it would come into being. I would see with my eyes what I knew to be true in my heart. I lifted up the promises back to the Father – the very things He has spoken over my heart and life, and I have been witness to it. I imagined what it would be like when I get to see them with my own eyes, coming to fruition. As I gazed on the moon last night, I thought “it’s coming…” Just because we can’t see it yet, doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

"Commit to hope. There’s reason to! For the believer, hope is divinely assured things that aren’t here yet! Our hope is grounded in unshakeable promises." Jack Hayford

The Long Haul

2007-05-21T12:22:00.000-05:00

I'm not looking for theological debate. Isn't it something that God took in essence a week to create the world, but He takes a lifetime to continually unfold and develop us? Our bodies take nine months to form but a lifetime to grow into the character God made us to be.

I'm sure if I took a poll, nearly 100% of all people would say they have had some season in their life when they were tired of the wait. Done. Spent. Ready to toss in the towel. It could be something superficial and trite like waiting in traffic, or it could be tremendously profound like waiting for the fulfillment of God's promise over your life. That's where my beloved husband and I are right now -- individually and as a couple. We aren't waiting for eternal promises that God fulfills somewhere in the heavenlies. We are waiting on things that He has affirmed to us countless times over, a word He has spoken over our lives, and we believe them to be true. But just like Abraham and Sarah getting old and waiting for the promised Isaac...twenty-five years in the wait...our wait has felt unbearably long too.

This classroom is very familiar to us. We have had to wait many times before, and each time I am restless. Maybe each time I build up a little more endurance than the time before it, but it is never easy to wait. In fact, I've blogged about it before (entitled "Waiting" -- November archive) and even now, six months later, I am still being stretched by it...further than I was the last time, further than I thought I could ever go.

God has been refining my view of the wait as I grapple with understanding His timing. Heaven knows, I've given Him grief over my impatience with time. The insights He has given me in the past few weeks, though, bring some healing to that. Here is what He has been stirring in me: God's unfolding over time is very intentional, purposeful and rich. It's not a superficial, surface type of being; it is what is most meaningful and beneficial -- willing to go the long haul -- the greater commitment, the utmost quality of results. To me, that is incredibly profound. There is value and worth in that. God works over time because He doesn't want junk. There is something specific He has set out to accomplish in us that can only happen in the wait. There are details that can only be orchestrated with precision -- attention -- and care -- if we wait and let God unfold them over time.

This has been true for me in my counseling experience. I started this journey of healing in January. I wanted to push so hard for growth, insight, and healing -- as if I could accomplish more if I just pushed myself harder to get there. Not so. In fact, I probably could have drown myself in the process and made it unbearable to continue. Instead, it has been a journey and unfolding and discovery over time. Things that started off hazy and uncertain are becoming more clear as I wrestle through them through time. There is a depth in the mystery of it, not just being handed something instantaneously. I'm learning that a lot of ground work had to be established before I could even dive in and really make progress. I had to take the time to get my footing and have a safety and trust so that I could really benefit and be healed. It has been hard because it takes time, but as I've learned to rest in it, I've greatly reaped the benefit of what God has prepared in the process. I can see how He has been laying a foundation and making preparations in me, so that I would be ready for the next step. Not wrecklessly, carelessly, or haphazardly -- but with great attention and care because it was the best thing for me.

The next time we are looking for the short cut, the easy way out, the quick fix, or the answer we've been waiting for...perhaps we are wise to consider what kind of quality we are looking for. God's way is in fact the best way, even though it is often the hardest. He cares too deeply, loves us too much, and is committed to hold onto us for the long haul to give us any less than His very best. He is willing to endure the agony, the anguish, the pain, because He knows the value and the worth of the end result.

When we are tempted to believe He has forgotten, let it be said of Him that ours is a God who will never let go. He is committed for the long haul. He will see you through to the end of your wait.

Mindful

2007-05-14T09:17:00.000-05:00

I've been taken with a concept lately that stops my tracks in a fast paced world: Being mindful. I love what I read recently about it. "Mindfulness is at the heart of nurturing relationships. When we are mindful, we live in the present moment and are aware of our own thoughts and feelings and also are open to those of (others)." It is a way of intentionally connecting to someone, being very aware of the heart and the emotions of them. Embracing all that they are, all that they think about, all that they feel. It gives me a picture of holding the heart of another.

It seems to me that it is nothing short of a miracle when we can stop and be mindful of someone. Even harder for me to grasp is that someone would be mindful of me when there are so many people and so much to do. I've had this feeling lately that my life is much a vapor, and the world keeps spinning all around me. Who am I in the midst of that? Who holds me in their heart?

There is a psalm (also put to music in song) that I've heard several times lately. "Who am I that You are mindful of me? Who am I that You should care for me?" Psalm 8:4 (paraphrase) The Message words it this way, "Why do you bother with us? Why take a second look our way?"

If we have grown up believing that God loves us, we are blessed for sure. But how much more so when our world is shattered and everything is thrown into question -- and we learn that lesson on a whole new tapestry. What about when we wonder down to the core of our being if God even gives a rip about us? It is a whole new depth when we are so bold to say to God, "I know by faith that You love me, but right now I feel incredibly alone and You are silent." Instead of just ignoring our hurting heart and slapping on our Sunday School answers, we lose all pretense and come before Him in utter authenticity.

I'm learning that the pure honesty doesn't shake up our Almighty one bit. He can take it. As I've gone down to the depths, I've found that He is there. Freeing, really -- that He can handle our wide range of emotion and thinking. His stability isn't based on our ability to give our pat answer. He isn't rattled when we say how we're really feeling. Maybe He is relieved for heaven's sake. Maybe He says, "Finally! They're ready to be real." You know, it's His genius. He created our humanity and loves us in our fullness -- not just when know the right answers or when we are all put together.

I grew up knowing God was there. But it falls afresh on me in this season that He is mindful of me. Why on earth would He be mindful of me? With so many people, so much to do, feeling forgotten or lost or empty -- He stops me in my tracks to say, "JULIE, I am holding YOU in My heart."

I want to make this more tangible for you though. I don't want to offer some remote theology that doesn't hit home. I could tell you that every time I go to the grocery store, I inevitably have God reminding me of something I need to pick up. You think I'm making light of God's vast abilities, but He reminds me of things I never would have realized on my own. This weekend it was the garlic. I saw it there in the produce section, had my attention drawn to it as if God were saying "you need that" -- but I turned away and said no, I think we had some. I'm not even kidding, I went home that night, needed fresh garlic for my guacamole I was making, and opened the frig thinking it was right there. All that was left was the stub, no garlic. This is a frequent occurance for me. My attention is drawn to something (which I believe is God pointing it out to me), I say no we don't need it, and I get home and find out that we do. After this has happened a dozen times or more, don't you think I'd learn?

The world doesn't end when the guacamole doesn't have fresh garlic. It doesn't keep the world spinning either way. But what about when my life feels like it could just disappear without notice? Ever felt forgotten, where you wonder if you really matter? I have. That's when I need to know someone is mindful of me. I am touched when someone calls out of the blue, or when someone seeks me out just to see how I am. But when God Himself gets my attention to let me know He is mindful of me, I'm speechless. He woos me that way, and it's probably the single most reason I'm crazy about Him.

It happened this weekend. I have to admit this soul searching season I'm in makes me feel like I'm so far away I could be on another planet. If it were up to me and my own strength, I would probably fall right off. God reminded me this weekend, though, that He hasn't lost His grip on me. I'll try to share this little story -- little to you, because it isn't your heart that is being swept off its feet. In fact you might wonder why it even matters to me. But I'll give it a try.

I was doing some devotional reading in Exodus. No in-depth study, just God's pure Word. "Years passed...(they have in my life too)...but the Israelites continued to groan under their burden of slavery. They cried out for help, and their cry rose up to God. God heard their groaning, and He remembered His covenant promise to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. He looked down on the people of Israel and knew it was time to act." Exodus 2:23-25 Ever wanted to know you aren't forgotten? How about that God would not only remember, but for Him it means He not only thinks of us, when He remembers, He acts. When the years have passed, the time is long and hard, and nothing is on the horizon...the mere thought that God would see fit that it's time to act brings hope. He hears. He remembers. He acts.

I was also reading a book that Todd gave me for our anniversary 11 years ago. Yep, I'm still reading it. Still haven't finished it. It's 850 pages, for crying out loud! Let's just say I'm savoring it. It is Walter Wangerin's Book of God. I just happened to pick it up this weekend (I read it for awhile, then table it...hence why 11 years have passed and the book is yet unfinished). This will have no meaning for you, but it reaches me in so many different layers. Let me simplify it to say that these words speak to the depths of some of what is at the core of me. Wangerin writes, "Yet, on that same afternoon Jesus uttered a word so holy and so consoling that Mary's fears were drowned in a private flood of gratitude....Oh, sheets of glory fell on Mary now! Radiance and gratitude...she was conscious of none but her master and herself -- so high past fears! Lifted higher than loneliness, she had been elevated into the family of Jesus! Truly, Mary from Magdala had a family, and she would be home wherever the Lord was present, forever."

Jesus met with me in those scriptures and narrative. It spoke meaning to me that would take hours to unfold in heartfelt conversation. I wish I could share the fullness here. But if nothing else, hear this: God is mindful of you. He knows what significant word you need to hear. He knows the act of kindness that will most reach your heart when you feel like it is hard to hold on for another day. He knows how to stop you dead in your tracks until you realize how profoundly He remembers you. Let God woo you with His tenderness. Let Him find you in the details.

My Man

2007-05-02T08:50:00.000-05:00

I've described him as the cream in my coffee, my sunrise and sunset, my sun, moon and stars, my walk on the beach, my favorite, my delight. He is the twinkle in my eye, the skip in my step, my knight in shining armor, my hero, my best friend. Todd is the one who most deeply shares my heart, my dreams, my fears, my depths, my life. There is no one I'd rather spend my time with and be connected to. He has shown me more of life, more of Jesus, and more of myself.

When did I realize I loved Todd so? I knew I loved him when we were in high school. He had a bucket of ice at youth group and gave me that look that said "Dare me." So I did. He did. I was covered in an entire bucket of ice, but my heart was dancing in love with him.

I knew I loved Todd when I went to England for a semester my junior year of college. We had spent years of riding a roller coaster where Todd was the driver. It was time for me to get off the roller coaster, swim across the ocean, and spread my own wings so I could fly. It was the first time I really let him go. I loved him enough to pursue God more and to get him in the right place in my heart. He pursued me relentlessly and showed me a picture of Jesus who never gives up on me.

I knew I loved Todd when I had wedding jitters. I sat in my room at my parents' home, filled with shower gifts and wedding gifts, but we had no job and all kinds of uncertainty. I was the doubtful bride I never thought I'd be. My man didn't convince me we had to get married. He said if I needed to, he'd wait.

I knew I loved Todd when we were on our honeymoon. It was a far cry from what we had thought it would be. We wanted a quiet getaway in the mountains, but didn't know our room that overlooked the beautiful mountains would be so paper thin we could hear the conversations of the people who walked by. Not quite the best place for honeymooners needing a bit of privacy if you know what I mean. Todd took out a map and said "anywhere you want to go -- we're there."

I knew I loved Todd when he held me in our miscarriage and watched the c-section when Samuel was born. I knew he loved me when he was by my side for Noah's VBAC (the less medical term without too much description would be a more traditional birth not requiring surgery), and when he delivered (literally!) our surprise girl. I knew he loved me when he went clear across the world, hand in hand, to experience a whole new kind of delivery and miracle of God.

We have history together. Our story goes back over twenty years of being best friends, laughing, playing, working, striving, crying, grieving, praying, living. What means so much to me right now is that the story is still being written. We are still living into the thing. For as much as Todd continues to grow older and wiser and better, so does my love for him.

I love him even more now because of what we've walked in this season of anguish. It has been the hardest agony, but the greatest redemption. I've gone places in grief I never knew I had to go to and places I never thought I'd survive. I've seen sides of myself and God that I didn't know existed. I've seen new depths, new adventures that have opened my heart wide to receive more of God. I haven't walked it alone. I wouldn't be here without him.

Today is the day God made him. Without him, my world would be completely different. I'm not entirely sure how to put it into words when it is beyond description. I could fill volumes of detail, but it would all share the same point. Todd means everything to me. No other person on the planet has been a greater gift than he has been to me.

We have a standing joke that it seems every time I have a birthday, Todd gets something. One year it was a coat, another year it was some other big thing he needed. We teased that it wasn't even his birthday, but he got the gift. Well today isn't my birthday, but I trumped him. I got the gift. I couldn't have asked God for something more perfectly tailored to be everything I've ever dreamed and more than I could have ever hoped for. Lately I've been thinking of what a mystery God is -- how unfathomable are His ways. Is He really good? As I reflect on Todd's birthday, I think I've got my answer. Oh yes, He's good. I praise Him that He gives the greatest gifts.

Shattered

2007-04-18T20:12:00.000-05:00

Only my God could be so amazing. He has a way of wooing me that just makes my heart melt. While His timing can be agonizing at times, there are days He just comes in with a flash and I know His signature. Puts the twinkle in my eye every time.

I am going to be gut level honest because that is all that I'm learning how to do. I have very much felt like I'm dying inside lately. The journey to the healing of my heart is found on a road of incredible pain. Word pictures are the only things right now that can really embrace my anguish. Almost without profound description, I can feel it with clarity and know that my heart has expressed its grief.

Just yesterday, I was trying to put words to the raw cut up feeling in my heart. It came to me that it was like my heart was a shattered piece of pottery, crashing to the ground. All of my insides, the depths of me that I hadn't even seen before or realized, are suddenly exposed and broken. The sharp pieces cut me and I bleed. Not just a drop, but gushers that burst out from the core of me. It is a fresh wound, like when you feel the slice of a knife and it stings.

Enter in God's precision in timing. Today I tuned in to Rob Bell's sermon for this week. He started the sermon with what could only be a piece of pottery, crashing to the ground, shattered. To say it got my attention would be insufficient. It was uncanny. I'll close with some parts that resonated with me...

A disciple of Jesus is done pretending that everything is alright. Deeply broken.
First and foremost of being a disciple is to come to the end of pretending I’m fine. I’m sick of pretending.
A disciple is someone who understands the work of God is to put each of us back together.
In recovery, you are done pretending, fully in tune with your own brokenness. Make it known, stop hiding and trying to do it alone, get help, the end of our own strength, letting God put the pieces back together.
Our calling, then, is in the healing and repair of the world. Jesus saved you to put you back together -- in turn you take part in the redemption and healing of a broken world.

Enough said? I am certain He has spoken. The cool thing about when God speaks, it is as good as done.

Right Here

2007-04-04T09:34:00.000-05:00

I'm awed by the profound gift that can be found in simplicity. If we aren't paying attention, we miss it. It may seem so ordinary, we lose the fact that it is ultimately sacred and significant. This week I woke up at dawn and set out for a day on the road. As I turned onto I-75, there was the largest view of the moon I've ever seen, right on the horizon. It was utterly gorgeous. I just had to take it in because it was so incredible. I was immediately drawn to my Creator God. It would be a hard day, a lot of driving, and intense places my heart needed to go. But the Almighty God who created the heavens and the earth was THERE. Present. With me.

I spent the driving time in worship and reflection. The things that God is teaching me right now reach down into the core depths of me. Deeper than I've ever gone or considered. In so many ways I am on a surgery table, cut open and raw. The Great Physician is right there, tending to every last detail. But as for me, I'm in such a state of vulnerability and need, more aware than ever before. It is somewhat surreal.

The day had been full, deep, challenging, but good. I got to spend a few hours in what I affectionately call "God's library". It has a huge wall of windows that overlook grass and trees and beautiful brick buildings. The ceiling is raised 25 feet or more, so it is very open and spacious and freeing. You can either work at brand new clean tables with outlets for your computer and lamps to make it homey, or you can sit in huge, plush leather chairs and put your feet up. It is gorgeous, comfortable, and welcoming. For me being someone who loves to read, reflect, write, process...it is a haven and refuge to do just that. No interruptions of someone needing me. I can escape into my own little world and just be.

The weather was as perfect as it could ever be as I walked out of the library to my van. It was a perfect spring moment where I intentionally stopped to breathe in deep the fresh air, feel the sun shining on my face, smell the flowers bursting forth on the trees, and slowed my pace to take it all in. My heart was warmed and my soul was embraced.

I started back on the drive home and intentionally avoided rush hour traffic. I have three cities to drive through -- Dayton, Cincinnati, and Lexington. It is a straight drive, but depending on what time you hit it or what weather is stirring, it can be a little chaotic. This day that started with sunshine and perfect spring weather suddenly took a turn for the worse when I hit Cincinnati on the ride home. Again I was awestruck by my Creator. The sky had billowing cloud formations, deep and dark. Lightning bolts shot for miles across the sky. There was a raging force, a strength and power so present. Just like the morning began, I sensed God's nearness. I felt like in some ways my heart was raging like that storm, such depths and cares. But God was showing up in His power and strength and letting me know He was in it.

I am in a place right now that I can hardly articulate. It is difficult for me to even grapple with it myself, let alone give a piece of it to someone else to try to understand. But the reminders in creation this day were clear. Even when you don't get it, even when it is too much for you, even when you don't know how long...GOD IS RIGHT HERE. I recently listened to a sermon on how much we long for answers or guarantees. We want the right outcomes. But the only guarantee we are given is this: God will journey with you.

I talked with a friend this week about storms. She said sometimes we don't even want God to necessarily stop the storm. We're not even asking for a change in circumstances or a quick and easy out. We just want to know His nearness in it. If I can't put it into words any better way, that's where I am. Let the storm rage on; just assure me, O God, that You are here with me in it.

Welcoming Hearts

2007-03-25T18:26:00.000-05:00

I’ve been intrigued lately that there can be a few ways to answer a question. There is our initial answer that we are quick to come up with. It may be the right answer, but it doesn’t tell the whole story. There’s more to it if we’re willing to reflect for awhile and see what God’s Spirit stirs up in us.

Who did Jesus come for? Where did He spend His time? In Luke 5:30, the Pharisees complained bitterly to Jesus’ disciples and said, “Why do you eat and drink with such scum?” Jesus answered them, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor – sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners and need to repent.” (Luke 5:31-32) How telling!

The quick answer is that He came to save the lost, the hurting and broken. Luke describes them as sick, which aptly fits a doctor’s perspective. I wonder if in our neat and tidy boxes, where we fit all our church answers, we think of the need that person has over there. That’s the one Jesus was referring to. Once saved, always saved, and I professed my faith long ago….surely not me. Perhaps the prodigal son in his honest need has countless elder brothers and sisters who can’t imagine how they too could be fallen or lost. We safely guard that we aren’t the hurting or broken. We do all we can to show our together worlds. On the surface, we’d never say we had it all together. Underneath it, though, upon deeper reflection, we realize how much we want it to be so.

Jesus’ rebuke didn’t come to the one who admitted they had need. His rebuke was for the one who didn’t see how He could possibly be talking about them.

1 Timothy 1:15 says, “This is a true saying, and everyone should believe it: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners-- and I was the worst of them all.” A fuller picture of the original meaning of save is to rescue, deliver, make whole, heal. Our salvation is secure when we ask for forgiveness and personally accept the work of Christ on the cross, but there is an ongoing work He does in our life to heal us and make us whole.

How powerful God’s grace and love pour into the life of the one who admits his or her need for Him! Imagine letting the walls fall down, where we can give up the pretense and say to Him, “Apart from You, God, I can do NOTHING. If You don’t heal me, I won’t be whole. If this is up to me, I’m as good as dead. In Your mercy, Lord, come do what only You can that I can’t do alone.”

Can we let Him see our need? Can we admit with Him that we have need? It’s not self-pity, it’s not self-focused. It is healing – letting God work wholeness in our deepest parts. An incredible ministry takes place when we let God enter in to our humanity like that. God reaches us, heals us, and sends us back out to reach more who are willing to let God tear down walls, reveal their need, and let Him touch them.

“How precious is Your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of Your wings…Pour out Your unfailing love on those who love You, Your saving justice to those with honest hearts.” Psalm 36:7,10 (NLT and NJB). The Message says, “Do Your work in welcoming hearts.”

Jesus welcomes us to come as we are. Leave the pretense behind. Let Him uncover layers and walls we’ve set up to guard or defend ourselves. Feel our need – and see that our Savior has come for you and for me. There is a work of healing and wholeness that He longs to do in the depths of our soul.

There is an epidemic of hurting people who are desperate to know they are not alone. The last words Jesus shared after His resurrection in Mark 16:15-18 were to send the disciples, His people, out into a hurting world to bring healing. “And the Lord worked through them…” (NLT, v.20) Maybe one of the ways that He does that is through our own testimony of healing. The Message writes, “Validating the Message with indisputable evidence.” What an incredible testimony, indisputable evidence, when we share that our lives have been touched and healed. Yours can too.

Enter In

2007-03-16T11:53:00.000-05:00

Relationships can be the greatest blessing and they can take a lot of work. People are just that way. They can give us a sense of connectedness or a harsh dose of rejection. Relationships can go in seasons and some can end. For as hard as that might be at times, I think I'm okay with that as long as we didn't leave unfinished business hanging open.

If we take on the picture of community that we find in Scripture, we will be engaged with others and not isolated. We build relationships of trust where we can let people in. Hospitality in its greatest sense is letting people in to the real places in our life. Come by our house on any given day and you'll find real life being lived here. You might find us working hard or taking a day off. The house might be well tidied or well lived in. We might be enjoying each other's company or getting on each other's nerves. Laughing, fighting, striving, playing, happy, mellow, grouchy. Real emotions, real life, actively present.

I want to be in relationships where we can be real. I want the kind of community where we give up pretending to have all the answers. I want to be free to say I'm struggling or I'm hurting, where we come alongside each other in those valleys. I want others to be able to say the same hard, but honest, words to me.

More often, I find that we're too busy or too distracted or too afraid to really engage. We might think something, or wonder about our questions, but we don't have the guts to say it. Instead of sharing our heart or being vulnerable, we withdraw. Anything that feels like getting real, being open, or saying what we feel is too confrontational. We avoid it like a plague because it is too uncomfortable. We glaze over it or set it aside.

I think an amazing thing would happen if we'd engage in authentic relationships with open hearts. We'd all be healthier and working towards being whole. What happens instead is that we tell people to get over it or move on. Maybe not in so many words, but dismissive and devaluing all the same. We try so hard to comfort or to fix that we miss the point of what is on someone's heart in the first place. Or perhaps we just give space until the thing passes because we don't really want to enter in.

We become people who stuff down our hurts or our questions where they fester and wound. Time really doesn't heal all wounds. God can heal through time, but only if we will let Him in. If we don't face our need, our questions, our longing, our frustrations, our wounds and deal with them, they will continue to affect us profoundly. We might not like the results when they decide to rear their ugly head later on.

Imagine if we could keep current in our hearts by dealing with what we are facing today, and not having a pile up of our past. Sounds wonderfully ideal, doesn't it? It doesn't happen when we just insist today is a brand new day. That it is, but what have we got going on beneath the surface? To try to wipe a slate clean by our own effort might be as effective as leaving left-overs to mold in the frig. They won't be forgotten forever -- they will grow ugly, green and fuzzy over time.

God's mercies are new every morning, and today is a new day. But to get current with today's stuff might take some work first. It involves going back and getting rid of the pile -- not hiding it in the closet or saying it isn't there. For many it might begin with asking God where those broken places are in the first place. Maybe we've denied them so long we don't even know how to expose them anymore. We can walk wholeness as we give Christ full access to every aching, frustrating part of our hearts. He wants to bring healing there. He wants us to walk in freedom.

Life-Changing Truth

2007-03-08T10:27:00.000-05:00

It is high time for me to get real and live this faith journey the way God wrote it. I've spent too much of my pent-up life doing what I thought was right, but missing it entirely. I was plagued by a disease of pretense. I so desperately wanted life to fit in a box and make sense, and make myself presentable enough to be accepted and loved. Not anymore. I can't do it. If Christ came to make me free, I can't be bound by the strain I put on myself any longer.

I think I've been fed a pack of lies. I digested them, believed them, and acted on them. I wasn't sure if they were quite right, but they were presented in such a confident way that I thought they must have been. I didn't know how incredibly toxic they were until they made my heart sick. My gut wrenched with such a pain that I knew something wasn't right. This isn't the abundant life that Jesus came to bring. This wasn't freedom. Something is seriously wrong.

Galatians 3:1 says, "O foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you that you should not obey the truth...?" Somewhere along the line, truth has been distorted. We have believed things that are not Scriptural but they sounded so convincing that we thought they must be. Sometimes there is just the slightest of nuance that makes it appear that two ideas must be saying the same thing. That we shouldn't get hung up on the semantics because it doesn't make much difference anyway. That's where we get hooked. The enemy deceives oh so subtly to draw us in. We don't even see it coming until we are so bound up we don't know what to do.

That gut-wrenching feeling is what told me loud and clear it was time for me to high-tail it into counseling. It is the most thrilling adventure I've embarked on. I'm too excited about it to keep it to myself. I want to live out loud and bring others with me. On the other side of this intense heart surgery is freedom! Healing!

This pursuit of wholeness is a whole lot of work. No longer can I be satisfied with looking the other way, or busying my life so that I don't notice. Scratching the surface won't do. This going deep is a lot of hard looking at what I believed, and going even deeper to find out what is at the core of it. Repairing wounds that haven't been tended. Stitch by stitch, it is a supremely significant time out with my Healer.

There are lines of Sara Groves songs that just cut through the chase and say it straight. She has a way of putting deep and profound things into words and pictures. A few of her songs are just going right to that place where my heart is being healed. To name a few, check out Just Showed Up or Something Changed. Give the lyrics a read if you have a moment. (Better yet, listen to the songs...but I don't know if there is a way to connect the music here.) It puts into words the significance of being changed by something huge. That something huge is God -- it's Truth -- it's the healing that the Healer Himself brings.

I think there are things that we have accepted as truth. They sound right, we've been raised by it, we hear it so much that it has become part of our belief system. The problem is, it won't hold up with Scripture. In fact, if we bother to really turn the idea upside down and ask what it is really saying, we might find out that we were missing the mark of what Jesus came to do. I wonder how many take the time to bring our belief out into the light, look at its angles, and find out if this is what Jesus is really saying. Or is there somewhere along the line that we've bought into a lie? Are we actually a Pharisee thinking we've got it all figured out and that we no longer need to call into question what we have established must certainly be true?

I am in a desperate search of truth. Not what people think is true, not what has been said is true, but a radical revolution of taking it up with Christ Himself. He is the Way, the Truth, the Life. I need to hear it from HIM. I have spent too much of my life getting ripped up by things that were never of Him in the first place. I'm ready to clear them out and be healed.

A Little Laugh

2007-03-05T19:25:00.000-05:00

We became an infirmary this week. Seemed they were dropping like flies. Sweet Maddie threw up on me, Emma woke me at the crack of dawn to tell me how much her body ached, and Samuel came home from his retreat with a sore throat and fever. God bless him, Samuel had it the worst. His turned into strep throat, high fever (how does 105.5 grab you?) and a virus of cough and congestion on top of that. I've never been much of a nurse, but I'm one in training for sure. Who needs which medicine, comfort, or tender-loving-care...then go back around again and see what else I can give. It's a pouring out time with a servant's heart and the compassion of a mama seeing her little ones hurt.

We are on the mend, hallelujah! And the best thing was the dose of laughter Maddie just gave me. You'll have to picture the moment I had with a two and a half foot Chinese nurse, still learning how to talk. She had the forehead thermometer that she was pretending to take temperatures with. I think she likes the beeps. She came up to me and said, "Let me feel your head! What do you sink? (translate: think) You're 8:30 and 5 minutes!!" We both laughed hysterically, one of those good belly laughs.

So what do you think? Sounds like I must be healthy. If laughter's the best medicine, I just got a good dose of it!

Hope Springs Eternal

2007-02-28T12:42:00.000-05:00

I'm not a farm girl. It sounds like it could be a fun thing maybe, but not on a day like today. We are slowly melting from our 15 inches of snow. In its place, there are lots of ice chunks and puddles scattered throughout the yard. All of this melting leaves us with something awful in our backyard. I call it poop soup.

I'm not a dog lover by nature. I'm not one of those who thinks every dog is cute or can't wait to get my hands on every dog I see. I love Lily, our soon to be four year old Golden Retriever. She has brought life and joy and love in sweet ways. But truth be told, I'm not sure that I love her this much! She has the ever present fur balls that she sheds all over the house. And when the weather is just so, outside she leaves us with poop soup.

If you dare to even go there, it is a place of slushy, melting, disgusting mud piles. Except it isn't mud. It's poop. Normally we scoop poop more frequently, but since the big blizzard, we don't go digging in snow -- we wait until the snow melts enough to find it. And find it I did. I couldn't think to count how many piles it was because all I could think was "do I love my dog this much???" I can tell you the bag was so heavy that it severely weighed down my Walmart bag and I was just thankful it didn't break it.

As I scooped outside in what smelled like a cow pasture, I was drawn to the lessons in it. If you can't enjoy the experience, at least maybe you can learn something from it. Like "you should really leave this one for your husband to do..." and "why oh why does a sweet fluffy dog need to do this in my backyard?"

Then the birds started singing. One of the first times I've heard them this year. I was drawn to the hope that spring is coming. I saw that poop as my sin that I have no power to clean up. Some of it picks up easily, and some just makes an awful mess. Without the work of God in my life, I'd be that mess. And I guess the thing that grabbed me was that even though I wasn't sure if I loved Lily enough for this, God does love me enough. Even though I can't completely clean up this yuck, God can. He can handle life's messes. Maybe He even uses that poop to fertilize our deeper growth. Our God redeems, that's for sure. He finds a way to use everything for good.

Hope does spring eternal. No matter how bad our mess is, God is willing and able to clean us up. He makes us new. The Living Water washes us like the spring rains come and water the earth. Lord, come do a work that only You can do.

You're Mine!!!

2007-02-21T15:54:00.000-05:00

Two years ago today, Madison Rose AiJiao Richards became officially ours!! We saw her across a crowded room, wide-eyed and wondering about all that was happening around her. As we drew in close, we could hardly believe how much our hearts swelled for this little girl!! We had prayed so long -- first to see if God had called us to adoption, then praying He would hand-pick our little girl to be a part of our family, then living out the journey of faith where God Himself would bring our little girl home. It was nothing short of a huge and miraculous God-show!!!

And then suddenly, all of our waiting had come to an end. We were standing face-to-face with this miraculous provision, this answer to prayer, this tender heart that was now OUR DAUGHTER!!! There just aren't words, perhaps only tears, that can tell you how this transformation takes place. This orphan, one in a literal million of Chinese babies each year, was no longer abandoned or alone. She was family!!! And here we were, looking into the face of the one we had prayed for, holding her tight to our hearts and hugging "the real thing"!

In the book of Song of Solomon, we are told "I am my love's, my beloved is mine". The NJB says "I belong to my love, and my love to me" (Song of Solomon 6:3). For those who cry out to be known, to be loved, to be valued, and to belong -- this is our song! Jesus claims you and me as His own!! With all intimacy and affection, He holds us close and looks into our eyes, and says, "You're Mine!!!" Our hearts long for connection and relationship. I pray that we would know and embrace the One who calls us by name to tell us we belong to Him!

Sweet Maddie, Happy Gotcha Day!!!! We are so blessed to say you are ours! We are head over heels in love with you! You are an absolute gift to our family, and we are so grateful that Jesus brought you home to us!!! We love you!!!

Love for a Nation

2007-02-18T20:08:00.000-05:00

We decided when Madison became a part of our family that she was becoming part American and we were becoming part Chinese. Even in her tender toddler voice she will tell you, "I'm Maddie! I'm Chinese!" Or sometimes she will say a mouthful and add, "I'm Chinese American!" There is a blending of hearts and cultures as we share our lives as one. We want to keep those precious roots warm and let her always feel connected to her unique story.

The girls went to church today in their Chinese dresses. Maddie jumped up and down, so excited to wear her new pink dress that I brought home from China last summer. She told everyone who greeted her, "Happy Chinese New Year!!!" This is the most important holiday for the Chinese people. That being said, it is important to us as well.

I greeted our friend Chien with "Happy Chinese New Year" at church, and her face warmed as she smiled. "You are the first person to tell me that today!" It was the most precious thing when she saw Maddie and together they counted to ten in Chinese and sang a children's Chinese song! It was a highlight of my day, and then sharing a meal with friends at the China Garden buffet.

I find myself missing China today. I never dreamed that I would have gone to China three times in the span of a year and a half, but I feel so incredibly blessed to have done so. It was a gift. In those trips, God grew my heart for the nation of China and their precious people. I want to go back and just hear their hearts. I want to listen, reach out, and care. My heart aches to think that I don't know when I will be returning. It feels too far away.

My heart breaks for the nation of China. They are the dearest people. Their hospitality is so warm and friendly. They care so deeply they will do anything for you. And yet, by and large, like our own nation, they are lost. They don't have the freedom of the gospel and the wealth of a relationship with Christ. There are many who do, and the numbers are growing. There is hope.

Primarily, much of the Chinese culture is based on a desire for good fortune and a happy life. Much of Chinese New Year centers on those themes. As I did a little research on some of their traditions, I believe God inspired some Christian connections for us to celebrate. We want Maddie to celebrate her Chinese heritage, but to embrace the best of it with the heart of God in mind.

The celebration of Chinese New Year continues on for fifteen days. The tradition starts with spring cleaning. They clean out their homes for a fresh start on a new year. Rather than talking about the good luck or keeping gods happy with them, we can talk about how Jesus cleans our hearts and gives us a fresh start every day. They decorate with live plants and flowers (a welcomed sight in mid-winter!), that can remind us of our new life in Christ. We are reborn in Him and He makes all things new.

A very important part of Chinese New Year is the time to focus on being with family. It is a time of reunion and thanksgiving. For as busy as life can be, how great to have a couple of weeks where we focus on more time together as a family. They remember past generations and are thankful for their heritage. They write happy wishes for each other on red paper. We could lift up prayers for one another, words of love and encouragement to each family member, and write them on red paper.

Money is given in red envelopes, called Lai-see, much in the spirit of Christmas gifts. We can teach our children about sharing money to help orphans through organizations like Shaohannah's Hope, or give money to help those in the process of adoption. We can share our financial blessings to benefit orphans.

The celebration ends after two weeks with a lantern festival. What a great time to light up our homes with candles and give praise to Jesus, our Light!

We keep the nation of China in our prayers throughout the year in our family devotions. Madison won't let us forget. She prays for Qiao and Amy, two Chinese friends, every single day. This is a great time of year for all of us, even if you don't have a Chinese family member, to remember the nation of China in our prayers. Last year we had enough yuan to share with the kids' Sunday School classes so that each child could take home a Chinese "dollar" to remember to pray for China.

God's Spirit is stirring there in powerful ways. Pray for the orphans to be brought home to families in the spirit of adoption. Pray for freedom for the Chinese to publicly believe God and know Truth. Pray for the missionaries in hiding. Pray to be made willing and open for opportunities to go on a mission trip to embrace a nation in your heart. In loving the nations, you will be loving the heart of God.

Snowbound

2007-02-13T20:48:00.000-05:00

Excuse me, but does anyone know how to spell eye-yiyi??? (I need to know that one for the record.) For all those interested in stats, Emma has had literally 100 doses of medicine (4 different kinds, not counting any vitamins). She was homebound from February 1 through February 12. During that time, I was primarily homebound with her. I made it to church (Todd and I tag-teamed it), and this past Saturday I did some grocery shopping.

To make life all the more interesting, the boys were home on Monday and Tuesday last week because school was cancelled for frigid temperatures. Wednesday through Friday were two hour delays. We've pretty much forgotten how to get ready in the morning for the usual routine. Our children have turned into monkeys and our home has turned into a zoo.

Add to the fun a really HUGE wigwam that Noah made for his class as they study Native Americans. It became a family event with each person adding their own contribution and creativity. Todd and Noah soaked branches in water and tied them up in strings. Noah cut paper bags to look like animal skin and glued them to the magna-structure they created. Samuel, Noah and I went to our friend's farm to dig out stones for a firepit with tissue paper flames. Samuel decided there needed to be some meat hanging over the fire, so he created a stand on both sides and made a juicy piece of "meat" cooking on top. Bow and arrow, canoe and pond, pile of wood for the fire....and the scene took the entire dining room table. Yesterday we ventured out for Emma's first day out of the house and took the mammoth thing to school.

Todd left for a business trip yesterday before dawn. Since then, we've had maybe 18 hours of snow. That's just a guess because I really haven't spent the entire time watching out the windows. I did manage to take note of several neighbors who tried to battle the storm with their snowblowers and shovels. I thought the efforts would be futile with all the wind and continual accumulation. Maybe tomorrow.

So here we are, the wind howling and rattling the windows, snowbound. If I hadn't been housebound for most of the month of February, I might enjoy it a little more. For now, though, I'm doing my best to not lose sanity. (Todd would be quick to tell you that I lost that long ago.) You can only take so much of wired kids, messy rooms, potty accidents, and little connection with the outside world.

Samuel led the kids in devotions tonight. At the end Noah said in all seriousness, "Samuel, why don't you go ahead and lead us in prayer too." It kind of made me chuckle because it sounded so grown up. The prayer was humbling to say the least. He prayed for each person and the things they are going through...Emma and her healing from tonsils, Maddie's potty power, Noah's wigwam grade, his own test coming up this week (should they ever return to school, heaven help them), Daddy in Florida, and Mommy for "whatever she was working on the computer". I was touched that he cared for each person, but the thing that got me was the ending. "Jesus, please help the ones that no one prays for. Help the ones who have no food in their stomachs tonight, no clothes and no house to keep them warm, and the ones who are caught in the storm. Amen."

Perspective. Conviction. Out of the mouths of babes...

Thus Far

2007-02-08T13:29:00.000-05:00

I have counted 75 times that I have given Emma medicine this week. It's a lot to keep track of, but the paper on the frig works just fine. I realized I can handle all the bowls and spoons we've gone through of sherbet or chicken noodle soup. We've gone through boxes of popsicles and bottles of tylenol and gatorade. I've been homebound and skipped the makeup and contacts. We can do this and get through it.

The last two nights, however, have gripped my heart. The recovery has gone so smoothly. Emma hasn't complained about medicine (not too much, anyway) or being woken in the night, or taking sips of gatorade. The past two nights got the best of her though. The steroids have worn off that were intended to jump start her recovery. She is tired of feeling bad. The pain has increased, and she just sobbed and shook in fear. After calming her and going back to sleep, she woke up again crying in pain, even before the last dose had worn off and before she was eligible for more.

Servanthood is one thing, but watching your child suffer is another. I don't mind going up and down the stairs in the middle of the night for a popsicle so that she can swallow. But watching her hurting and crying when she wants to be sleeping? I want to take her pain for her, and let her rest.

I've taken the role of cheerleader. "Emma, you've come so far!! You can do this!! Jesus is healing you and taking care of you. Every day you are closer to feeling great." But I'm not sure if I'm more telling her or myself. I pour on words of love and affirmation and encouragement, stroke her cheek or her hair or rub her back. I think somehow it helps us both feel a little better.

As we do in our household, it's time for a celebration. This marks the one week mark on her surgery. It wasn't hard to think of something uplifting to do. How about homemade chocolate chip cookies to warm our heart and cheer our spirit!

When something feels long, and believe me we have had those times in our journey even as we speak, I like to remember what Samuel did in 1 Samuel 7:12. "Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far has the LORD helped us." It was time to build an altar of praise, remembering "thus far". No matter how long this takes or what lies ahead of us, the LORD has helped us. He will continue to carry us through.

Surgery

2007-02-03T11:15:00.000-05:00

Love is a verb. Especially this week, we are seeing this one lived out in our home. We are both the givers and the receivers of love in tangible ways.

Emma had surgery to remove her tonsils and adenoids. Todd, Emma, and I arrived at Children's Hospital by 7 am. to get her admitted. Todd is definitely the morning person in our house. When we stepped up to the desk, they had those beeper things that light up like they have at restaurants. My charming husband said, "Table for three please." It warmed my heart and I was so glad to have him there with us. It makes such a difference to me when he is close by.

The staff at the hospital took great care of Emma. They gave her a new Care Bear coloring book and crayons when she arrived. How bad could this be if they are willing to give such gifts? There were so many that came in with their specific thing to do -- I wouldn't be surprised if there were a dozen or more caring for her. Each one was intentionally being tender with her.

I think when we look for touches of God's grace in our day, we find Him. The man who came to draw blood was so joyful and kind. He saw Emma's name on the door and said, "Emma Grace! What a beautiful name! Do you have a sister named Amazing?" I don't know if she got his joke or not, but it was just kind of funny to me. His tray was covered in Veggie Tales and when he left, he gave Emma a whole stack of stickers (Dora, Barbie, Princesses, Scooby Doo, animals...).

This wing of the hospital for outpatient surgeries had a travel theme. There were maps and countries and cities everywhere. Guess which room God picked out for us? Pittsburgh!!! It was so fun to show Emma where Grandad used to work, the old Three Rivers Stadium, the Point, the Science Center. It was just fun to have that connection, and I couldn't help but think God gave us this reminder of His presence in the details.

Every step of the surgery process requires a lot of encouragement to our little patient. While she is very brave, she also doesn't hesitate to tell you she doesn't want to do something. Color in my new coloring book or sit and watch t.v.? No problem. Stick my finger or make me put on that hospital gown? No way!

There's something about seeing your little baby in a hospital bed and having so many staff working on her. You know in your head that this is a routine surgery and she will be fine. But you also know how hard it is for her to go through, how scared she is, the pain she will feel, and her mama can't help but be a bit weepy. "Hold onto me, mama....come with me, mama..." There's no other place I'd be...until I have to let go. Every time we heard wheels coming down the hallway, we looked up hoping to see her. When she finally came back to us, they told us how great she did. Then her tears came. I came close and wiped her tears, played with her hair and caressed her forehead. In that moment I would have done anything in the world to help her.

For all the busyness of life and caring for a full household, everything stops in my heart for my baby who needs me. She has my full attention. There is sudden simplicity in putting everything aside but the essentials. There is constant care in giving TLC, encouragement, hugs and snuggles, medicine, sherbet, and lots of fluids. Constantly checking what time it is, what medicine is needed, counting up to 13 times a day she was dosed with something. There is nothing I'd rather do than give Emma that constant care, and yet it also puts us in a place of exhaustion and need.

How grateful we are for the body of Christ, friends and family who have loved on us through phone calls, e-mails, dinners and most of all prayers. We have seen love lived out through the tangible things that have reminded us we aren't alone. God's love pours out through you all, and fills us up to pour love out on Emma.

Isn't that the beautiful way He made us to care for each other? It is an incredible responsibility we have to reach out, and it results in great joy.

God uses challenging places to teach us how to care for others in challenging places. If you've never been through it, you have no idea what a difference it makes to have someone be there. But once you have had to go through something --- not just surgery, but any hard season --- you can't help but care for someone else you see going through the same thing. Your heart immediately goes to them, and connects you to your own experience where you felt need. It is one of the amazing ways God redeems our hard places for the good of others.

God I praise You for bringing us through and for working in such beautiful ways.

A Pilgrimage of Ascent

2007-01-26T10:48:00.000-05:00

This was no ordinary trip. It was a journey to a sacred and holy place. It may be long or hard, but the Jews were filled with fervent devotion. They were intentional and purposeful. The Jews set out on a pilgrimage. Imagine their hearts -- those who had been exiled, cast out, captives...were now set free. Free to come home. Free to worship. Free to feel and live. What do you talk about on those long journeys? The Jews brought to mind the activity and faithfulness of God. It was a time of teaching -- for rabbis and students, for parents to teach their children. As they traveled, they chanted the Psalms of Ascent.

I took my first pilgrimage through the Psalms of Ascent (120-134) in the summer of 2005. I wasn't really sure what God had in mind for me there. A friend had told me about it from a Beth Moore conference she had attended. It was a new concept for Beth Moore to give a homework assignment to her conference attendees, and she too wondered what God had in mind for it. I embarked on this journey that God had brought to me.

The starting instructions were to write where we are presently in our journey with God. Describe the present season and our spiritual condition in the midst of it. (Is it a season of personal renewal for you? Doubt? Difficulty? Suffering? Loss? Loneliness? Numbness? Articulate both the joys and the difficulties of the present season.) From there, you climb (ascend, hence the name psalms of "ascent") one psalm a day, numbers 120-134. They are short psalms, memorized and chanted on the pilgrimage for the Jews going to Jerusalem.

I was amazed at what poured out of me onto those pages. There was so much to reflect on and journal about. Some days more so than others, but I felt a sense of freedom in being able to express some of the things in my heart. I typed out reflections, prayers, dialogues with God over His Word as it specifically spoke to my condition or circumstance.

Beth Moore encouraged the women to deliberately seek an ascent in our own lives. Relating to the Jews' pilgrimage in a spiritual sense, we seek a higher, closer walk in our journey with God. We were instructed to begin each day facedown. Joshua fell facedown and asked God to speak a fresh word or direction over his life (see Joshua 5:14). Moses and Aaron fell facedown and saw a fresh glimpse of God's glory (see Numbers 20:6). It is a sense of humility where the way up is down.

After reading and meditating on the psalm for that day, you listen to what God is saying personally to you. Let God speak over your present circumstances and concerns, needs and obstacles. As you let Him guide you through, Beth taught that God may address, tend to, heal, or convict you lovingly and pointedly in areas where you might be "stuck". Journal out what He is saying to you, what He brings to mind, and your response to Him. Pour out your heart to Him and express it.

This process was incredibly meaningful for me. I wrote a Bible Study entitled Walking with God, in which there were focused journal prompts. After studying scriptures around a certain topic for the week, there was opportunity to reflect and write about how our hearts respond to it personally. It is very relational and intentional. The response from those in the class was that many hadn't journaled before, or even knew where to begin. Some shared that after they quieted their heart, they started typing and typing -- so much poured out they didn't even anticipate how powerful it was for them.

I wonder if our hearts are willing to go there. What if God Himself beckons us on a pilgrimage of our own? Can we find the time in our day to slow down and reflect with Him through scripture? It can be both healing and life-changing.

I just want to offer this pilgrimage through the Psalms of Ascent if anyone wants to try it. I can e-mail you some notes that will help guide your journal time. It might be a great time of growth and intimacy in our walk with God. I am going through it again for my quiet times right now and I just wanted to share the blessing.

Blessed are those whose strength is in You, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. Psalm 84:5

Learning and Growth

2007-01-21T14:25:00.000-05:00

Lately I've noticed our girls playing together by lining up their stuffed animals and dolls and teaching them school. Emma has taken it upon herself to teach Maddie her letters. She takes her pencil, points to the letter, and says,"Now what's this one, honey?" And praises her with, "Good job, sweetie!" It is incredibly cute. Maddie recites the letters she knows, and the rest of the dolls and stuffed animals sit still as a good student might, maybe waiting for their turn, who knows?

I just have to chuckle because I remember doing the same thing when I was a little girl. I had stuffed bears and dogs and elephants in my class, but wasn't so fortunate to have a little sister to answer my questions. I wasn't very fond of our last name, Hinkel. It didn't sound like a good teacher name, so I picked Miss Alger. That was my mom's maiden name, and my favorite grandfather's name. I loved playing school for hours as Miss Alger. I can see the teacher in Emma shining through as she loves every last detail of giving instruction and praise.

I'm one of those rare breeds who loves school. I used to sit on the front porch with my grandma at the beginning of summer and ask her what I should wear on the first day of school. I loved fresh supplies of folders and papers and pencils. I loved getting homework or sitting at my desk. It even carried on through college where my roommate would wonder what on earth I was doing at my desk for so many hours. I could always find things I wanted to think through, write, organize, or study.

While we lived in Wilmore, I was very blessed to be able to audit a few classes. It seemed ideal to me because they were classes I really wanted to take -- nothing mandatory. I wish I could have taken more, but the timing of having two of our babies there made it too busy to juggle classes with breastfeeding and diapers. Sometimes I dream of going back to school myself, but I wonder with a full household if there would ever be time. With our six years at Asbury, I feel like I already have two masters degrees -- they just have my husband's name on them instead of mine.

My mind and my heart almost feel cluttered by what I want to learn next. I have several things I would like to venture into deeper. Some days I'm not really sure where to start. One thing I'm embarking on though is some reflection on how God made me. I've started some counseling that I'm really excited about, just trying to sort through how my mind and my heart process things. I want to be the best Christ-follower, wife, mom and person I can be -- so if there are any areas where I am stuck or sacrificing freedom, abundant life, or joy, I want to discover them and allow Christ to work in me.

I'm not sure what nuggets of truth will be discovered in this process. With truth comes freedom, new perspectives, wisdom and insight. I'm excited to see how things in my life connect, or how new freedom can be unleashed. I'm excited for the growth and the depth that will come from the reflections, and seeing how God is speaking to me personally.

Jesus said, "My purpose is to give life in all its fullness"(NLT). "I have come that they may have life and have it to the full" (NIV). Jesus wants us to "enjoy life, and have it in abundance -- to the full, till it overflows" (AMP). Jesus brings us a "more and better life than (we) ever dreamed of" (MSG). Part of the abundant life He has for me will overflow all the more as I learn more about how He made me, and what areas to work through with Him. I believe it is a healthy part of discipleship and I'm grateful for the opportunity.

Books and Studies

2007-01-17T16:36:00.000-05:00

I have a stack of books I never seem to get through. It sounds very inviting to me to sit by the fire with a blanket over my lap, a good cup of coffee, snow falling outside, and dig into a good book. It sounds great. It just never happens. I have plenty to choose from, so while I appreciate the ideas of what to add to my list when Todd suggests another title, the reality is I just can't keep up. For one year, I participated in a leadership curriculum during which time we read one book a month together. I'm pretty sure that was the most books I have read in a year ever. I either don't make the time to read, or I drift off to sleep when I put a book in my hands.

There is a book that takes exception to that rule. There is a block of time that I need, even when the setting is less than ideal. Nothing else has the power to fill me up when I invest in it, or leave me completely dry without it. I crave it, and if I don't have it, I'm miserable. Everything in my life feels out of place when I haven't had some time of solitude for just me and Jesus.

I'm learning that this can take on different forms. God wired me for study. A great Bible Study fuels my fire in such a way that it is one of my favorite things to do. By the end of a course, though, I'm tired. I need time to just rest with some Scriptures to reflect on and pray. Sometimes my soul thirsts for praise music and singing, or a prayer walk soaking up nature, or reflecting through reading or writing. Sometimes I just like to be still. Sometimes I pray on my knees and sometimes I fall facedown on the floor. I'm learning to delight in the variety. One thing I know from the condition of my heart is that I need it. I need intentionally carved out time with Jesus.

I just finished the Narrated Chronological Bible. (If you compare this with my track record with books, this is quite an accomplishment! There is no other nearly 1,700 page book I have ever finished!) Within the first two days of being done, I already missed it. For the past year, every day there was something to hold me accountable to keep in God's Word.

As I read through Scripture as a whole, it was so evident to me that God has a plan that He is working through time. He is purposeful. He ordains details to accomplish His greater purposes. He is infinitely faithful, so that every word He breathes is brought to completion. This a work of His power and grace, not our efforts. We certainly haven’t earned it, nor could we. But He comes through, time and time again, because that is Who He is. He loves. He works. He is the Living God, very present and all powerful. We can count on Him.

I couldn’t possibly begin to understand all that He has written in His Holy Word, just as I couldn’t possibly contain Him in the corners of my finite mind. Even the details of history – names and events – are hard for me to keep straight. But I know this much for sure: The more I walk with Him, the more I love Him. The more I love Him, the more I want to know Him. Much remains beyond me, yet a beautiful mystery. I don’t need all the answers. He will teach me enough for today. There will always be great things to behold tomorrow too.

I love the dailyness of the walk through Scripture. Every day I could open His Word and hear Him stirring my heart or growing my understanding. I know I will continue on with daily quiet times, but I have a genuine hunger for His Word that can’t be quenched with a quick glance or a brief devotional. I want to be with Him.

Taking Steps

2007-01-12T13:49:00.000-05:00

Things don't have to be grand to celebrate them. We are a family who celebrates all kinds of things -- from the end of camp, to the start of school, to the start of Christmas vacation, to a football game on t.v., to any milestone we can think of to celebrate. We look at celebrations, even simple ones, as a pause to say thank you to God for His goodness and blessing. We have appetizer night or game night or go out to eat or ice cream. At birthdays and anniversaries we hang up a wall full of photos that journal out years past. We mark the occasion by conversations of memories and hearts of praise.

I like what Richard Foster has to say about celebrations in his book Celebrations of Discipline. He writes, "God's normal means of bringing His joy is by redeeming and sanctifying the ordinary junctures of human life. Celebration comes when the common ventures of life are redeemed." He adds, "If we fill our lives with simple good things and constantly thank God for them, we will be joyful, that is, full of joy."

So here I am, in all of its simplicity, celebrating. I'm finding the joy in taking steps. I'm excited about a few resolutions I've made this year to improve my health. What thrills me the most is that they are realistic goals that I believe will make a difference. I could dream up some ideals but never obtain them, or I can give some signposts that I can actually celebrate.

Here are a few: I'm a horrible drinker. I normally have about a glass of water a day...maybe. When Noah was at camp, he bought his mom and dad a cool water bottle that holds 32 oz. I'm drinking at least that much water every day. Some say you need twice that, but I'm starting somewhere.

Sorry if it sounds pathetic, but I'm also an awful athlete. There are times the most exercise I would get would be carrying the laundry up and down the stairs...until I realized the boys can help with that and save me the energy. I still trek across the superWalmart, and often forget something in one aisle and have to go clear to the other end, so that counts for some sort of exercise maybe.

In the past I've enjoyed aerobics or walking, but I'm awful with consistency. It has probably been at least ten years since I've done aerobics and my walking goes in spurts. I'm a fair weather walker -- it can't be too hot, too cold, too rainy, too humid, too early or too late. But alas, I've found the goal that works for me: Take a walk every day.

Sometimes it is just the getting started that is the hardest. Some days I need the grace that says it is okay to walk for a shorter time tonight. What freedom to feel like that's okay. I'm now enjoying my walks so much more. Lily is thrilled to walk every day, which we used to do when she was a younger pup but have gotten away from. Now regardless of the weather, I just do it -- bundle up with scarves or hats or umbrellas, whatever I need -- and I really enjoy just getting the fresh air. I've also started aerobics up again, and I'm working to get some consistency going there. But it's a start.

Taking steps in the right direction. We don't have to be so driven that we fall apart in exasperation. What freedom and grace there is to just do the next right thing! As God brings an area of our life into the light, He can bring wholeness and change. Our lives will be transformed. I believe it does our hearts some good to celebrate those changes.

Greater Gifts

2007-01-09T14:23:00.000-05:00

Last night was both thrilling and heart-wrenching. The long awaited game started with great anticipation, and boy did the Buckeyes deliver! Within seconds, OSU was on the board with the first touchdown. We screamed, we jumped up and down; we were so excited, my sister could hear us all the way in Indiana and she called to cheer with us!!! What a way to start the game, first possession of the ball, and running the length of the field for a touchdown. The girls had their pompoms, and Maddie does a pretty sweet "O-HIO!!!"

We were ready to let the boys stay up to watch the game, until it was 10:15 pm. at half-time, and Buckeyes were being eaten by Gators. It was awful!! Our hearts were sunk, wanting to hold onto the hope that things would soon turn around. We sent the boys off to bed, hoping that Coach Tressel could inspire them in the locker room to a new game, and Heisman Trophy winner Troy Smith could rally his team for a heroic win. Wouldn't it be amazing if they came back, shocked the scales off those beaming gators, and rose up from the pit and on into victory???

I have come to love Coach Tressel and quarterback Troy Smith. Tressel is a positive, strong coach, who is completely humble and inspiring. He roots himself in his faith in God, and that is evident not only in his testimony but in his relationships on the team and with anyone he speaks to. Troy Smith has a redemption story of his own, rising from the pit to great maturity and leadership. He too is humble and gracious in his words.

I remember the first time I tuned in to either of them and knew their names, was when Troy returned from being suspended. The media asked Coach Tressel if this impressive performance and win would now win back Troy's position and honor in the coach's eyes. The coach said he had already done that long before, and he absolutely affirmed Troy's ability and character. He showed how much he believed in him regardless of anything he had been through in his past. Forgiveness. New beginnings. Redemption.

I kept hoping for the miraculous come-back that never came. My heart sank for those Buckeyes. Caught completely off-guard, it wasn’t the game we had expected or wanted. This wasn’t the way this night was supposed to go. Funny, life feels that way sometimes – doesn’t it?

What if our loved one didn’t have to die? What if that accident didn’t happen? What if a relationship didn’t end or turn cold? For me, wouldn’t it have been great if Todd didn’t have to resign? Why have our years here looked so drastically different than what we had thought? Why do our dreams have to be so different than the way it actually happens?

Stepping back a few paces from the Buckeye game, the Gators really had an incredible night of glory. They fought hard. They did the unthinkable. They rose to the challenge and proved how hard they were willing to fight to win it. In the same year that their basketball team became champions, now they were champions of football too. I’m really bummed that the Buckeyes didn’t pull through and come out on top, but I have to admit (gulp!) that it really was the Gators night to shine.

Life happens. A football game is far different from death, tragedy or loss. But reality is, sometimes we feel sunk. God-reality is that there is always hope. He brings new life and new beginnings. Even when something happens differently than we wanted it to. We are crushed, broken, hurting, dysfunctional people. God-reality is that He brings wholeness. Healing. Redemption. Restoration.

I’m not trying to read God into football – I know it was just a game – but maybe from God’s perspective, the greater gift last night was for the underdog to win. Not that it wouldn’t have been a thrill for OSU to add another win to their team, but how much greater joy for the Gators to have come so far. I’m happy for their joy. I don’t dare ask a Buckeye fan, but all things being neutral, wouldn’t you think the greater gift would be for the Gators to have a chance too? No? (I know, hurts to say it!) Oh how losing can build character and make us stronger!

God seems to be all about giving the greater gift. If stories were rewritten with our own endings, we would most likely miss out on God’s best for us. I’m afraid my own written story would lead to a band-aid covering a need for open heart surgery, thinking it would keep me more steady and comfortable. God loves me enough to go for the deeper healing, the greater gift.

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised. For in just a very little while, “He who is coming will come and will not delay. But My righteous one will live by faith.” Hebrews 10:35-38

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him. Hebrews 11:6 This great gift, this reward that He longs to give us is more of Himself. Nothing can compare to it. Nothing could be added to it, for nothing could be greater. It is more than our hopes and dreams if we will open ourselves up to Him. We can trust His leading, even when the road ahead is uncertain.

I came upon this quote yesterday that a friend had sent us. “Not thwarted – not our wills, but Thine, O LORD. Man has not understood Me in this. I want no will laid grudgingly upon My altar. I want you to desire and love My will, because therein lies your happiness and spirit-rest. Whenever you feel that you cannot leave the choice to Me then pray, not to be able to accept My will, but to know and love Me more. With that knowledge and the love, will come the certainty that I know best, and that I want only the best for you and yours. How little those know Me who think I wish to thwart them. How often I am answering their own prayers in the best and quickest way.”

I had a tender "mom moment" on Christmas Eve. Our three oldest were in the Christmas Eve program at church. The kids all did such a great job. My tender moment, though, was when Samuel sang his solo as Joseph. Thinking both of the testimony of what God required of Joseph, and the desire of our hearts for our son to follow whole-heartedly after God, I was so moved by hearing Samuel sing these words: "Walking and working every day, such wonderful plans before me. I want to serve You all the way, trusting what I can't see. I could never have imagine all You've planned, and I can't forget the day it all began." All I could think was Amen, let it be so for me too, Lord.

I lay myself down again. Your will, Your way, Your timing. You alone know what is best for me.

Onward

2007-01-05T03:25:00.000-05:00

I was touched by a sermon I heard recently, given by a professor at Asbury Theological Seminary. It is interesting how our stories can be reflected in others. We are on a journey, headed in the same direction, and we can learn from each other along the way, having walked something similar.

Asbury has had some rough times in recent years. Life rarely fits into neat little packages tied up with bows. Eugene Peterson said, "Christians must be mature enough to deal with ambiguity. They must take life’s chaos and life’s messiness and work with it. With it you build the kingdom of heaven." It's not pretty, but it's quite a relief. Life on this side of heaven won't be perfect or ideal, no matter how much we may want it to be like that. It is a relief to realize it doesn't have to be. Even in the messes, God can work in it.

Dr. Kalas preached on Deuteronomy 1:1-7. Moses had led the Israelites up out of Egypt and they were headed to the Promised Land. Unfortunately when the twelve spies inspected the land, ten of them were filled with such fear and disbelief that God told them they would wander the desert for forty years, one year for each of the days they inspected the land. Their grumbling and rebellion brought consequences in the wilderness.

As the book of Deuteronomy opens, the Israelites are coming to the end of their forty years. Moses is about to give his final sermon to remind the Israelites in this new generation of all that God had faithfully done in the past. Moses is stirring them to action to get ready to press forward and claim the land God had promised them.

Deuteronomy 1:6-7 says "When we were at Mount Sinai, the LORD our God said to us, 'You have stayed at this mountain long enough. It is time to break camp and move on.'" (NLT) In some translations, it didn't get my attention. Had I been reading it through on my own, I would have read right past it. But Dr. Kalas drew us in and built a sermon on it.

Dr. Kalas preached that there comes a time in life when you have to move on. This Scripture, he said, is in fact a compliment from God that they could go. They had wandered for forty years, but this was God's praise that they are now able and equipped to go on. The following are his words, not mine:

At certain times in life, you can just keep marking time, wallowing in trouble, mourn losses, ponder, suffer – or you can decide to get up. This is where we really are. This is real life. A marvelous lesson for the ambiguity, messiness and chaos – be grateful for that. God has His place out there for us, of triumph in His will. A will we have stumbled about finding. A will that I couldn’t contend to be perfect with all of our imperfections and human messes. But God is used to working with messes like that. He will work with this one.

Our life has definitely had moments of feeling like an absolute mess. Walking through exile, like walking through the wilderness, has a lot of spiritual attack raging war against our minds. The enemy would have us believe that our worth is empty, our life is shattered, our punishment is earned, and our purpose is ruined. The enemy would have us believe that we screwed up, we blew it, we are forgotten and there is no place for us.

Ephesians 2 in the Message says this,

"It’s a wonder God didn’t lose His temper and do away with the whole lot of us. Instead, immense in mercy and with an incredible love, He embraced us. Saving is all His idea, and all His work. All we do is trust Him enough to let Him do it. It’s God’s gift from start to finish! He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join Him in the work He does, the good work He has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.
But don’t take any of this for granted. It was only yesterday that you outsiders to God’s ways had no idea of any of this, didn’t know the first thing about the way God works, hadn’t the faintest idea of Christ. You knew nothing of that rich history of God’s covenants and promises in Israel, hadn’t a clue about what God was doing in the world at large. Now because of Christ – dying that death, shedding that blood – you who were once out of it altogether are in on everything. He created a new kind of human being, a fresh start for everybody.
That’s plain enough, isn’t it? You’re no longer wandering exiles. This kingdom of faith is now your home country. You’re no longer strangers or outsiders. You belong here, with as much right to the name Christian as anyone. God is building a home. He is using us all – irrespective of how we got here – in what He is building. He used the apostles and prophets for the foundation. Now He’s using you, fitting you in brick by brick, stone by stone, with Christ Jesus as the cornerstone that holds all the parts together."

Can you even imagine the difference??? The contrast is astounding to me! No longer exiled, no longer in the wilderness, but welcomed in to the kingdom??? How can it be? For anyone who has ever felt left out, alone, isolated, or outcast, and yet cries out to belong and be embraced, this is a life-changing message!!

It has been a season of healing, refining and growth. At times it has felt a little like a time out chair. Pulled out of the game, and put on the bench. The life-giving message of this sermon to me was hearing the words "You have stayed on this mountain long enough. It's time to break camp and move on." That God had a new work to accomplish in the Israelites and He was ready, and had made them ready to press onward. A new chapter, a new day has dawned.

The LORD builds up Jerusalem; He gathers the exiles of Israel. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Great is our Lord and mighty in power; His understanding has no limit. Psalm 147:2-3,5

I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. Philippians 1:18-19 In the Greek, this word for deliverance means to rescue, save, deliver, heal. Praise God! You have indeed done what You said You would do. Hallelujah!! Break camp, let's move on...

Exile

2007-01-03T14:24:00.000-05:00

I will soon be finishing up a study with the Narrated Chronological Bible. I'm no biblical scholar by any means, but I've read the Bible through a couple of times (as long as you count skimming and not understanding a lot of it). This time is different. I am on a journey with what started as 21 other people, and has gone down to about 10-12 faithfuls. If it weren't for them, I'm quite certain I wouldn't have made it. We have shared together, prayed for each other, and met along the way, learning one step at a time together. I'm grateful for this dear, albeit odd, group that has walked with me.

One of my goals for our class is to gain better understanding of the flow of Scripture as God's story, then relate it into our own lives where we realize we have been invited in to His story. We don't have time to go through the exegesis and profound insights of the Scripture that we are reading. It's a good thing, because I don't have anything profound to add. I'm a learner, with much more still to learn than what I have begun to grasp. Yet God's grace abounds and they put up with me attempting to encourage them and lead them on.

This time through, the layers are going a little deeper. More of the pieces of the puzzle are clicking together. It's starting to make a little more sense. But what has made this time especially different is that I see our story on the pages of Scripture. Never before have words like rescue, redemption, and healing meant so much to me.

I became a Christian over twenty-five years ago. I'm not one who knows the exact date, but I've been genuinely, though not perfectly, walking with the Lord during that time. Yet it is only in the past two years that I have had greater insight on what my salvation means to me. Through circumstances that I had no control over, my husband and I ended up in the pit two years ago. It didn't initially involve me, but being one with my husband meant that in some ways, I went with him. Where it did involve me was with the refining God had in mind for my heart as well.

This past year in my journey through Scripture, I walked with the Israelites through exile. Todd and I both did in our faith journeys. At times it felt we were cast away in the wilderness, kicked out, rebuked and punished. I think the only person in this world who can understand the depth of that loss and pain in that season is Todd. To anyone else, it's just words. How grateful I am that we walked it together. It was in that spiritual exile where we most profoundly experienced our Savior, Deliverer, Healer, and the Lover of our souls.

It sounds odd, but I've come to love that place of spiritual exile. Hosea 2:14-15 expresses some of God's heart there. "But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her out into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt."

No longer are these just words on the page to me. No longer is this a story of history, covered in years of dust. What my heart would have described as trouble, God called a gateway of hope. God redeemed us from the pit, lifted us out, and completely transformed our lives. We have learned more volumes than seminary had time to teach us. We will never be the same.

"When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I gave Egypt, Ethiopia, and Seba as a ransom for your freedom. Others died that you might live. I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to Me. You are honored, and I love you." Isaiah 43:2-4

God's great purpose in allowing the Israelites to walk through exile, was that He would teach them, grow them, and bring them through it. The Israelites celebrate how God brought them up out of Egypt where they were slaves. Egypt is our bondage too. The freedom He brought to the Israelites, He brings to us in very personal, tangible ways if we will allow Him to.

Hallelujah, the exile came to an end! The exiles are not forgotten! Deliverance is promised. Salvation comes. There is certainty of restoration. "In favor I will show you compassion...you will call your walls Salvation and your gates Praise...for the LORD will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory. Your days of sorrow will end. I am the LORD; in its time I will do this swiftly." Isaiah 60 I long for better words to praise the One who brings us through.

For as much as the Bible is a book of history of God's activity, a prophecy of what will come, it is living and active today. God intends for us to take it personally. Where have you found yourself in those pages?

Something New

2007-01-01T10:50:00.000-05:00

A brand new year, a clean slate, a new perspective. Like fresh fallen bright new snow (I can still dream if these mild temperatures won't give us any)... it awakens our senses to new hope and abundant life. I love it. My heart races with excitement of what God will bring this year! This week I've had the sense of there being something on the horizon, even if we can't see it. I just felt like playing the praise tunes a little louder and putting a dance in my step. Ridiculous as it may seem, I just feel a little giddy that God is good and He is up to something.

For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? Isaiah 43:19

I praise God that we are not bound by what we cannot see. We can only live this day, today, but eternity is set in our hearts. That tells me that there is more out there than what I know now. By faith I can say that there is something on the horizon that God is getting ready to do. Our God is one who "calls into existence what does not yet exist" (Romans 4:17, NJB). I have reason to hope and be excited for what God will do.

Abraham "dared to trust God to do what only God could do...with a word make something out of nothing. When everything was hopeless, Abraham believed anyway, deciding to live not on the basis of what he saw he couldn't do but on what God said he would do." (Romans 4, MSG)

This time of year, I love putting together a big jig-saw puzzle. It is only in the past year or two that I've realized how much I enjoy them. There is something about seeing pieces that make no sense at first, then watching them click just so, one piece at a time coming together to make the whole picture. I love seeing the details connect.

This past week, I ventured into a 750 piece puzzle. It took a couple of days, but as we were nearing the end, I was getting really anxious that it wasn't going to work. Lily (our golden retriever) has been known to eat a puzzle piece or two in her day. With all the activity of four kids and a dog, I couldn't be guaranteed that all my pieces stayed in one place. I was sure one piece in particular was really lost because none of the colors made sense.

Life is like that sometimes. We wonder how God is going to work through this one. And yet, in a way only He can do, He makes an incredible picture that we can only begin to see. My puzzle in fact had all of its pieces, and I was so excited. How fun to celebrate with such joy over something so simple!

I've been reflecting, and will continue to do so, on what our forty days of prayer has meant to me. My heart is rejoicing because I feel freed up from some of the things my heart had tangled. Lord, I'm ready for that something new You have in mind. Clean slate, write on this year what You have in mind for me.

The Promise

2006-12-22T21:24:00.000-05:00

My hands were so full it was almost comical. The girls and I were making cookies and candies to share with neighbors and friends. The timer was going off for the cookies in the oven, I had both hands occupied with dipping mini oreos in dark chocolate, when suddenly someone wiggled or bumped, and Emma had a huge glob of chocolate covering her hair and on her white shirt....and the phone rang.

I answered the phone and looked out the kitchen window at the most incredible glowing sky I have seen in a very long time. We've had lots of overcast days, lots of rain, and with the shortest days of the year, much darkness. This sunset was glorious and in an instant the entire backyard glowed in a golden splendor. I was awed at God's handiwork.

The phone call was Erin, on her way home she had seen a full rainbow filling the sky. She wanted to call someone who would appreciate it, and she chose me. Actually, I think God told her to call. I would have missed the rainbow because it was in the front of the house. It was an incredible Christmas gift to my heart.

In our forty days of prayer, soon coming to an end, the longing in our hearts has grown. We are ready for God to show up. We know He will (and in fact He has so frequently), but we are tired of the longing and wondering without answer. Every day the waiting feels prolonged even further. The rainbow is a symbol of the promise. Our Covenant God has not forgotten us, and He will not fail to remember or keep His promise. Praying friends, pray us through. The Christmas story was when the waiting finally reached its end, and the Promise came. Praise God for this indescribable gift!

A Relationship of Trust

2006-12-19T14:16:00.000-05:00

I am very drawn to the call of adoption -- puzzled that we didn't even sense it on our radars until God brought it right before our eyes, and awestruck at how God is stirring hearts in the Body of Christ to embrace precious orphans (the least of these to the world, but children of promise to Him) all across the nation. Hearing a story of adoption is like sitting in the front seat for a God-show. It is a miracle in the making.

We received a Shaohannah's Hope newsletter in the mail a few weeks ago. (If you haven't heard of it, Shaohannah's Hope is a grant program founded by Steven Curtis and Mary Beth Chapman to help families with the financial needs of adoption.) I like to read the testimonies of the families who have adopted or are in the process. I really thought that it would just be a warm reminder of our own story, and a faith builder as we watch God in action in the families of others. Instead, my heart was convicted.

The cover story talked about a family who thought they were done having kids. (Sounds familiar already. Lived it.) They had two biological boys and adopted a little girl from China. They thought their family was complete -- until God nudged their hearts. They came up with excuses like being too tired...too old...too poor. But then they took part in 40 Days of Purpose with their church. They realized that being here on earth isn't about us. They were moved by God's heart who had another daughter in mind for them. Their obedience led to blessing, and God was faithful to His call. What seemed insurmountable to them -- finding $16,000 for an adoption -- was inconsequential to God. What mattered to God was a small child in China that needed a family and a home, and the gift of blessing He knew she would be to her new family. God made the way.

This resonated with me because I have given Jesus Lordship of my life. I have to daily surrender to Him, and sometimes even moment by moment. If I truly believe that, it means my life isn't mine. God's heart is bleeding for the least, the last, and the lost -- and He wants us to be a vessel He can use to reach out to them.

In Acts 10, God came to Peter in a vision. God's heart was to reach out to the Gentiles, and He was asking Peter to be a part. The vision seemed to counter Jewish law that forbade Peter to eat certain foods. God told Peter that if He told him to, that's what mattered. The Jews were forbidden to relate with the Gentiles, but God was saying if He told him to, than that's what Peter needed to do. Peter was asked to leave his comfort zone, all he knew to be true and right, everything that made sense -- go -- be obedient to what God asked him to do. Why did He send Peter? Because of the love in His heart for the Gentiles. Do we trust the heart of God to move us? Later when Peter had to defend his actions, he said, "Who was I to think that I could oppose God?"

We wait for God to show up and do the miraculous. We wait for direction or answers to prayer. But from His point of view, maybe He is also waiting. He waits for hearts that will be united with His, bleeding for the broken the way His does, and ready to go forth to make a difference where He wants us to go.

Who am I to think I have a say? Who am I to oppose God?

These are important questions when my heart gets off track. There are times I need to shift my attention or my focus. I want to be like David, where God said, "I have found David a man after My own heart; he will do everything I want him to do." Acts 13:22 I want to take the focus off of me, my desires or wants, and see more of the heart of God and what He wants. Then I want to get on His bandwagon, and stop hoping He will jump onto mine.

Being fully yielded to His way can only come about when we trust the goodness of God. We will never fully understand His ways or His reasoning, but we can trust His goodness. He is working a good and purposeful plan. "He surrounds me with loving kindness and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things. Psalm 103:4,5 God loves us, and the will of God is always blessing for its loved ones." Hannah Whitall Smith

Yet even after writing all of this, I'm also left wondering. I'm grappling to understand how things fit together. Somewhere intertwined in this desire to be in God's will is our legitimate heart's desire or who God made us to be. I don't think God randomly chose the family above saying "you have to adopt or else you are outside of My will" or the proverbial lightning will strike or whatever. I also don't see us as nonrelational robots that are to just do what we are commanded when God pushes a certain button.

I see this relationship as being one of trust. We trust God enough to share our heart with Him, and we trust that He will lead in the way that is best for us. Even if we'd miss it, we honor Him in the seeking, and He can work in that. We love Him and we want to please Him, but part of giving Him our heart is sharing our desires or feelings -- not to insist on our own way, or even hope for that, as much as to share who we are and be known. He knows our hearts already, but just like being with my husband, I just want to be with him. He can tell me anything he wants, but sometimes it is just being near him that matters the most to me. Maybe God wants that connectedness from us too. Not because He is lacking but because He is relational. In that inner sanctuary, He can hear our hearts and share more of His with us. We can move forward trusting Him with the next step.

Reborn

2006-12-18T08:43:00.000-05:00

The road to success had an abrupt ending. The Veggie Tale dream died. Phil Vischer's daily goal was transformed to simply wait on God. He shared his testimony of what happened through that experience:

Weeks and months passed. Suddenly it struck me, I didn't care anymore. I didn't feel the need to do anything. I didn't need to have any impact at all. My needs were met by the scripture I was reading and the life of prayer I was developing. My passion was shifting from impact to God. It took several months but what I started to feel I can only describe as a sense of giving up, of dying, and it scared me at first because I wasn't sure at first what exactly in me was dying. But then one day it was clear. It was my ambition -- it was my will -- it was my hopes -- my dreams -- my life. I was ready to be done. Ready to rest in Him and let everything else fall away. It was painful, but when it was over, I was reborn. The next step and new ideas came from or were confirmed during a time of waiting on God.

The first year that Todd and I were out of full time pastoral ministry, we were dramatically slowed down. I think that was crucial for us to be able to hear God and allow Him to rework our thinking. We thought ministry was our calling. In our little box of thinking, ministry meant Todd's job as a pastor. The year of being lifted out, though, we came to realize that ministry is everywhere, every day, sharing God's love and presence with whomever God brings in our path. It is being available. Willing. Ready. For anything that He asks.

I can relate to Phil Vischer's testimony. Much of my ambitions, hopes and dreams died that year. But after that painful death, came a new life reborn. One that wants simply to rest in Him, and follow His lead in the smallest of detail. It didn't matter what or where, everything else could fall away save this: cast me not away from Your presence, O Lord, and take not Your Holy Spirit from me. I didn't have to do, I just wanted to be His child. The rest is just fluff. I told God He could have me if He wanted me, that I was willing to be used by God, or willing to rest in Him. My identity didn't depend on what I did for Him or what my title was. I was His, and that was enough.

Game plans

2006-12-16T12:33:00.000-05:00

"What's the game plan? What are you going to do next?" I've been asked by a few different people what I'm going to do now that I've stepped down as women's ministry champion. I'm guessing they figure since I've left one thing, I must be headed to something else. And yet, they also reason that as a mother of four, I must be so busy that it is better that I simplify where I can.

I come from a rich heritage of project people. We thrive on productivity -- driven and determined to get things done. I don't know how true it is, or where Todd learned this, but he says my family is like sharks -- if we sit still we die. I'm quite certain that my worth for many years was determined by how much or how well I could accomplish. I earned approval by working hard and striving (or should I say pushing?) for my best. In recent years, God has been rooting out that works righteousness, freeing me from a lifetime of bondage. I still love to get things done, but my favorite moments are when I can slow down, read, study, reflect, write, pray.

Churches today want to cast a vision. Todd interviewed at a church after seminary that asked, "How will we know in six months that you have been here?" We emphasize programs, numbers, and results. We make a plan to make it happen. It sounds like a noble goal, to be purposeful, intentional, and headed somewhere. The question is, where? (Do we sometimes hit the ground running, and leave God behind in our dust?)

When Phil Vischer was asked where he wants to be in five years, he said, "In the center of God's will. If I have given Lordship to Jesus Christ, where I am in five years is no business of mine."

Here is what Phil taught on that spoke a powerful, convicting message:

The people of God are a covenant people, a people of the Word. We are not called to be a people of vision, we are called to be a people of revelation. It is not about strategic planning for our vision for our ministries. When people of great faith in the Bible don't know what to do, what God wants for them, they don't "do" anything. They WAIT on HIM.

When the people of God don't have the Word of God, they do whatever is right in their own eyes. Not because we haven't cast our visions large enough or we don't have enough programs, but because we are not focusing the people of God on the Word of God. We need to keep our nose in His Word every day, our knees on the ground in prayer, and be quiet enough to hear His whispers. Without it, we can't be obedient to Him because we won't know what He wants us to do.

Don't confuse the work you do for God with your relationship with God. What is the most important thing? To make God the most important thing. Pursue God. Read His Word and pray. No big agenda. No planning for the next big thing to do. Not getting busy for God. Walk with God, wait on God, and "when God needs someone at a specific time in history to advance His will in a specific way, He knows who to call because He knows who is listening."

This talk that Phil gave affirmed the answer I gave to the ones who asked me what was next. My response was, "I don't know. God hasn't told me yet." No plans. Just a desire to be in the center of His will.

Dreams

2006-12-15T13:34:00.000-05:00

A friend recently returned from a conference where one of the speakers was the creator of Veggie Tales, Phil Vischer. He shared of how this crazy idea of armless, talking vegetables sharing God's truths rapidly spread and grew in popularity and became a huge success. More people came on board, enthusiasm was contagious, but quite suddenly it all fell apart. It was a dream that ended far too soon. They prayed it would be saved that God's work would continue. It was the moment they needed God to show up and intervene to keep the work growing that more lives would be touched. But God didn't.

Phil asked this question: "What does it mean when God gives you a dream and He comes and shows up in it, it comes to life, and then without warning the dream dies? What does that mean?"

Isaac was Abraham's dream, his promise, the word God spoke and would surely fulfill. When time felt too long to wait, they intervened with their own game plan, and named him Ishmael. I often pray that God will give us the Isaac, His promise, His best -- and that we wouldn't be too tired of the wait and come up with our own Ishmael.

Just as God asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son, the child of promise -- to lay his dream, his gift, on the altar -- so He asks us to give up our dreams too. God is asking us what matters the most to us? Him or our dreams? It's not that He doesn't want to fulfill His promise, or make us suffer in giving up our dreams. But what a fine line we walk when we celebrate the gift more than the gift Giver.

Our church became this to us. It was a place that we loved to be, loved to serve, and so wanted to connect in to relationships and belong. I believe God gave us a great love for the people, and we had great joy in being there. Maybe just maybe, though, it became our dream. The dream job, idealizing the blessings, and finding our identity and need to belong there. We didn't see it that way until God allowed the dream to die. The clarity of vision was worth the pain it caused us. As great as a gift it was to be there, it isn't God. For as much as we need the body of Christ to belong to, our identity and fulfillment to belong is rooted and found in Christ Himself. We are refined by that difference.

A friend once told me that God wants us to be velcro Christians. Able to connect and invest where He has us, but also ready to be pulled out and taken somewhere new. We aren't meant to get too comfortable and settled here, where our priorities shift to our wants instead of His call. What if God says that our purpose in one place has been fulfilled, completed -- are we willing, open, and ready for Him to move us to a new place? Are we more moved by God's heart to go, or are we more determined to stay where we've planted roots?

Phil Vischer said, "Who do you love more? God or your dream? Put your dream, your everything, your way God will use you to change the world, on the altar. Let go of everything but God, and then He can use you."

This is a timely message.

We miss the mark by hoping in the answer that will come, the dream fulfilled, the word spoken -- the promise revealed. I have faith to believe the answer will in fact come, God's plan will unfold, the hidden will be revealed. Forbid it, Lord, that I see that as the gift. You are the Gift. You are our Reward. You are the One that we wait for. Advent means coming or arrival. He has indeed come!

A Refuge for the poor, a Shelter from the storm -- This is our God. He will wipe away your tears and return your wasted years -- This is our God. A Father to the orphan, a Healer to the broken -- This is our God. And He brings Peace to our madness and Comfort in our sadness -- This is our God. This is the One we have waited for -- Oh this is our God. A Fountain for the thirsty, a Lover for the lonely -- This is our God. He brings glory to the humble and crowns for the faithful -- This is our God. You are the One we have waited for. You are the One we have waited for. You are the One we have waited for. This is our God. (Chris Tomlin)

We needed some work. Kind of like a quirky car with things going wrong with it, some things even seemingly small (others noticeably large), but in fact any of it could have gotten us into a fatal accident. God in His mercy let our dreams die, so that our dreams wouldn't become our everything. Even in our wait, He has come! He got our attention so that we could see so much more clearly -- He is our Refuge, our Shelter, our Father to the orphan, our Healer of all our brokenness. He alone is our everything! He has done everything He said He would! Hallelujah! Glory to God!

Lessons

2006-12-14T13:23:00.000-05:00

It would be great if I could some how connect my mind and my heart to an automatic journal that would just type out whatever I was processing. It is a challenge because I love detail, I love the fuller picture that has so many layers and truths knitted into the tapestry. It's interesting however, because even though I find that to be so rich and full, at the moment all of that just seems to make me feel tired. My head has been spinning too much for too long.

While I had great intentions of blogging several days in a row of the things that God is speaking to me, reality hits, days are full, and my heart overflows to a point that I can't keep up to type it all out. I now find myself slowing down, letting the dross burn off, and finally reflecting on what is left. Maybe that's a good thing. Even though I haven't burned the keyboard with passionate fingers, I have calmed my heart and watched what has settled in place. Sifting through the details, I'm now taking a deep breath, ready to find the best that remains.

Several things came to me in the last week or two: a cd of a conference talk, a newsletter from Shaohannah's Hope, a sermon from Asbury, daily readings in God's Word from my devotional time, and scriptures that I was helping my cousin to prepare for a Bible Study talk. It makes the learning so much more meaningful for me if I tie it in to what God is speaking to my heart personally -- for today, for this season, tangible lessons that speak to my present tense faith.

For more than 18 years, I have wanted to live fully for God. In every major decision I made -- where I went to college, who I would marry, where I would live, what jobs or ministries I would take on -- they were based on what I felt God leading me to do. I'm quite certain that I have at times missed the mark, but I have strived to show God my love by following His lead and serving where He has me.

The trouble is I have often been so driven, so determined to do things, that I have missed out on just being. Even without trying, life in ministry is busy -- whether it is full time pastoral work, or leading a women's ministry as a volunteer. With both of those set aside, I feel freed up to just be for a little while. I can see more clearly that I have had great dreams for God in my desire to serve Him -- but at times I have entangled my own ideas and wants that kept me from embracing His.

If I looked at the connections of all these different things that have come my way, the lesson is not new but it is loud and clear:

Wait on Him.

Let go of everything we hold onto except for Him.

Let God teach us more of His heart, so that His desires become ours.

That's my nutshell of what God is speaking to me. He will show us what is next for us, but for now we can rest in His arms as He makes these lessons so tender to our hearts. This is where we are, fleshing out our faith in the real stuff of life.

Speak Lord!

2006-12-06T22:09:00.000-05:00

For about the past five days, it seems that one thing after the next is flooding into my heart. I believe God is speaking, shaping and teaching. He definitely has my attention, and my curiosity is piqued. It has been pretty cool because there are several things that have come my way that I haven't even sought out. I am seeking God, praying with much honesty, vulnerability, and surrender. But I haven't been digging, striving, or working. I've been waiting. In the next few days, I want to post about what some of these things are, and hopefully in writing them out it will help me take it in. I'm just awed because it all came to me, no effort of my own, and they are all speaking the same message.

For now, I just want to post a few lyrics from a Steven Curtis Chapman Christmas song.

For the God who spoke is speaking still. And the God who came still comes. And the miracle that happened still happens in the heart that will believe and receive the miracle of Christmas.
So come to Bethlehem again and see, the One who's come to rescue us, our Savior and King, bring your past, the joy, the sorrow, all your hope to find tomorrow, and hear the words again, fear not, and know that God is near.

For any who feel led to pray with us through this forty days, know that we are so very grateful! I believe God is speaking, and He is stirring something in our hearts. Pray us through!

Closed Doors

2006-11-30T17:15:00.000-05:00

I was more than devastated. With a swift, harsh blow, I was completely taken back and knocked over. We had a great life, a great family, a strong marriage. We loved the church God had called us to. In a flash, life was turned upside down and Todd had resigned. God's grace and mercy surely sustained us, but the pain was something severe. It wasn't at all what I had expected. I didn't know the end was coming. We were just settling in after two and a half years, and finally feeling at home. We were building relationships and planting roots. We served God together with all that we had, and were filled with great joy. Without warning, that season was cut drastically short. The loss we felt was beyond words.

Imagine having a cancer that was spreading fast and had the power to kill. Todd knew he had it, but was unsuccessful in any attempt to rid himself of it. He compartmentalized his pain and resolved to live with it. He had lost hope for the deep healing he longed for. Perhaps what he didn't realize at the time, was that God had not forgotten him or left him to die. God saw His broken and bruised child, and lifted him out of the pit to rescue him.

God's purposes are so much bigger than our own. We thought God brought us here to serve Him, which we did. Then the doors closed. Nothing we had expected, but everything we needed. God was accomplishing what Todd had always hoped for. While we grieve the doors that closed, God opened up greater depth and wholeness than we ever imagined.

I recently did a study on Paul by Beth Moore, entitled To Live Is Christ. God had incredible plans for Paul's life. He made promises that He was sure to fulfill, but not necessarily the way Paul thought. It spoke to my heart that regardless of the means, God's fulfillment of the promise came faithful and true. Something else stood out to me. There was a point in Paul's ministry that he desired to go to Asia but the Holy Spirit hindered him. (You can read about it in Acts 16). "Because they were completely surrendered to God's will, Paul, Silas and Timothy did not fret when the Spirit of Christ hindered them from following through with their plans. They simply awaited new marching orders. We often hear people say 'when God closes a door, He opens a window.' Sometimes we just might be underestimating Him. We just saw Him close a door and open a continent" (Beth Moore, p. 85). Through their obedience, God's Word spread to Europe, and God rose up new leadership for Asia.

I had another unexpected ending to a chapter of ministry. It was sudden and abrupt, but thankfully it wasn't as traumatic as it was two years ago. Just as surely as God urged me forward to lead as the champion of women's ministries, He closed the door for me to continue on. I have very little answers on what God is up to. He may be calling me to a season of rest or solitude, or maybe He is honing my call to something more specific or something new. That has yet to be revealed.

There are some closed doors that we grieve because of the loss we feel. In a pursuit of healing, I am learning to see these closed doors as fulfillment of what God wanted to accomplish. I am holding onto the hope that God is very purposeful. He is working a plan, even when we can't see what it is. Life doesn't happen the way we expect at times, but I am learning that His way is better. Even if it's hard, or deep, or painful. God will redeem it and bring forth abundant life and greater fruit.

40 Days

2006-11-22T14:30:00.000-05:00

Three years ago this month, Todd and I had been to a conference where God used Steven Curtis Chapman as a seed that would ultimately change our lives. He challenged us with the call on Christian families to adopt the orphans, and care for the ones who long for a family and a home to call their own. I know we cannot rise to every worthy cause, but this was one that stirred Todd's heart and mine. We weren't willing to jump into something so quickly, however. We had given away the baby clothes, thought our family was growing up, and big already on its own. We had a list of fears and concerns that was longer than that nice idea of bringing an orphan into our home.

We asked a few close friends to pray with us for forty days to discern God's will for this huge decision. God intended for His people to be a body, connected and supporting each other. The community of faith is lived out best in community. The Message says, "keep... in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing…. Instruct and direct one another…." Colossians 3:15-17

As we prayed, our list of fears and concerns were yielded and surrendered to God. Our love grew. Our faith was greatly challenged, but hope entered in. The things that worried us carried little weight in light of the love and desire God gave us for the orphan who needed a family and a home. At the end of the forty days, we knew what God had called us to. We stepped forward in faith, and in God's perfect timing, Madison was born. He had prepared her family to embrace her, and brought forth this child of promise to begin her journey home.

There were all kinds of bumps and hurdles along the way. There was a mountain of errands, phone calls, papers, and delays. Little did we know that some of the trials would involve the big-guns of the enemy, seeking to destroy. It was then that we knew we had to rely on what God had spoken, not on our circumstances or our feelings.

Forty days. God brought the rain for forty days that would cleanse the earth of its filth. Moses spent forty days on Mount Sinai in the presence of the Lord, and was given specific instruction for the Tabernacle and the Ten Commandments. God commanded Moses to send twelve men (one for each tribe) to inspect, explore, and research the Promised Land for forty days. Elijah was completely spent and ready to die when the angel touched him and told him to eat enough for the forty day journey ahead, to Mount Sinai, the mountain of God. It was there that God gave him new vision and restored his heart. Jesus was tested for forty days in the wilderness, and ministered to by the angels. And for forty days after His death and resurrection, our Risen Lord appeared to His disciples and five hundred more, to assure them beyond doubt that what He said, and Who He was, is absolute truth.

Forty days. Not magical like a formula when you are desperate for something to work. But God ordained to be sacred. Significant. Purposeful. Through those forty days in Scripture, God brought cleansing, instruction, exploration, restoration, care, and assurance. They were days filled with His power, His presence, and His glory. They were places where His people were brought to the end of themselves, only to be filled up with more of Him -- to be sent back out, and used by God for a greater work. Essential. Preparation.

Todd and I are prompted by God to enter into another forty days of prayer. This time in the spirit of advent: the longing for the coming of the promised One. Again we have asked the body of Christ to pray with us -- ultimately for God's will to be done in our lives, for His direction and clarity, for strength and grace as we wait on Him. For as significant as it was when Madison was added to our family, this too has incredible significance. It is our hearts crying out to live for Him in what we were created for, yielding our own ideas and wanting to embrace His.

"Then Jesus told His disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up." Persistently, a widow kept coming with her plea. "Will not God bring about justice for His chosen ones, who cry out to Him day and night? Will He keep putting them off? I tell you, He will see that they get justice and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on earth?" Luke 18:1,7-8

Forty days of prayer. Focused commitment. Persistence.

"Lord, teach us to pray...'And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to him who knocks, the door will be opened.'" Luke 11:1,9-10 NLT and NIV

Surrender

2006-11-15T15:33:00.000-05:00

I'm giving You my heart -- All that is within -- I lay it all down for the sake of You my King. I'm giving You my dreams, laying down my rights, I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life.

And I Surrender -- All to You, all to You

I'm singing You this song -- I'm waiting at the Cross -- All the world holds dear, I count it all as loss -- for the sake of knowing You, for the glory of Your name, to know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain.

lyrics by Marc James

I find myself listening to songs about surrender when there is something that is hard for me to yield to God. I know in faith that He has the best plan in mind, full of purpose and abundant life. In my weak skin, though, it is hard to yield and trust Him with whatever He wants to do. Sensing this was pathetic of me (who am I to doubt my Maker?), I asked Him once for a word picture of what I was doing. What came to mind is that I'm gripping McDonald's with all I've got while He has a banqueting table waiting for me. I'm not even that fond of McD's, but it hit home with me. Why do I hold onto what I think I want, when I could exchange it for His best?

I believe that part of being intimate with God is sharing our hearts with Him -- what we're thinking about, what we hope for, things we ponder or wonder about. I try to do that, and end it with "yet not my will, but Yours be done." At times we wrestle or we hurt, but ultimately we yield and we love. That's the only way I know to live out an authentic faith.

I sat in church a few weeks ago and heard God's voice speak so clearly I had to write it down. It cut straight to the core of me. Here is what I heard Him speak in my heart: "you’re shooting way too low…giving up on Me??? Letting your dreams die?" I know God can do anything, but maybe I was shooting too low by thinking His plan wouldn't be anything I had hoped for. While His plan ultimately isn't about me, He does have a fierce love for His children and delights in giving them good gifts (see Matthew 7:11). I want to embrace Him and what He has for me, even if He leads in a direction that isn't my preference. I want to praise Him because He is worthy, before the answer I've been waiting for comes. I want Him to have my love and my heart, even when I can't see much past what is right in front of me. All of Him for all of me.

"God's will is always best even when we cannot imagine how. Surrendering to His will does not mean you lose. Ultimately, it means you win. God does not want you to feel defeated when you realize He's overruled a desire of your heart. God is not asking you to give up. He's leading you to give over. Keep hanging on to that rope and let Him pull you over to His side. One day you'll understand. And you'll see His glory" (Beth Moore, To Live is Christ).

Waiting

2006-11-14T18:30:00.000-05:00

I have always loved a good conversation. I still remember when Todd and I were dating so many years ago (hold on, let me count....19 years ago...), we used to sit and talk for hours, often in the car. Those were the days before four kids and a golden retriever, who all push their way into getting Daddy's attention. Todd comes home from work, and suddenly everyone has a story to tell, a question to ask, and they all want first dibs and a front row seat. The noise and the energy escalate. Forget manners or taking turns. Perhaps the worst offender of this is Lily, our golden retriever. With all exuberance, she pushes her way to the front, barks and jumps (what happened to all those obedience training classes?!?), and insists that she gets all of Daddy's attention. Yesterday we sat and talked (or tried to talk) on our bed, and Lily was right up in Todd's face, smothering him in a thousand kisses and puppy cries. In the midst of one conversation, we are interrupted at least a dozen times. It makes me crave connection with a good conversation all the more. Waiting. Will it ever be my turn?

Back in those early days, many conversations were colored with analogies. When my heart was too full to express something with words, I liked to paint a picture of how I felt. It was a way of reaching out with the deepest part of my heart. I still love to learn through pictures and ideas, where the richest meaning is hidden -- but as you dig for it, it becomes a treasure to behold.

Listen to this portion from the Message, taken from Romans 8: "All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance.

That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along.

If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."

I love this word picture of waiting -- filled with hope and expectancy, but honest and real that it is long and hard. Waiting is something Todd and I have had to do many times before. Waiting to get married. Waiting for God to open the right job. Waiting for a referral for our adoption. Waiting for provision. Waiting for faith to become sight in His unfolding promises over our lives. Waiting for delivery.

Just before a woman gives birth, there is active labor. For some, there are endless hours of labor that begin to wear down your strength. It gets progressively more intense and more difficult, until you reach active labor. It comes at a point when you aren't sure if you can make it any further. You are tired and worn thin. You have moments where you wonder if you really wanted this baby in the first place. Seriously though, it's when it feels like it is going to get the best of you and you want to give up. Here in lies the hope. At the point of active labor -- the very hardest part -- you are actually the closest to delivery. For all of the long wait, you will soon hold the promise in your hands.

Hold on. He's coming.

Following Him

2006-11-06T10:52:00.000-05:00

I started the day with my quiet time, but it was too quickly followed by too many things I'd like to get done, juggling my list of priorities. What if God came to me and said, "Today, I want you to...." would I tell Him I'd squeeze that in if I could find the time? My idea of success is often marked by productivity. If I got a lot done in the day, that was a good day. God's idea of success is marked by obedience. Not results. Laying down my life, surrendering to His lordship.

Is it my day or His?

We sing at church, "Everyday, it's You I live for, everyday I'll follow after You..." While that is my heart, my desire, is that my reality? Following Him, not having Him accompany me. Not just daily, but moment by moment, aware of His presence and His leading.

I'm afraid my determination can be so focused on what I want to do that I have a harder time allowing Him to redirect my steps. It is a process of learning to stretch out my quiet times to be more of my day than just my study time. Sometimes I'm aware that He is with me, giving me the strength or grace or love that I need to serve Him, but I get out of step with Him when I put a higher priority on getting something done than I do on hearing Him in the midst of it.

"If we are living now by the Holy Spirit, let us follow the Holy Spirit's leading in every part of our lives." Galatians 5:25 NLT

Maybe it is just being aware of where my way is trying to trump God's way. Ridiculous thought. And yet I do it. Am I stubborn for my own goals or agendas or am I ready to respond with obedience to even His slightest prompting?

"Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives." (Galatians 5:25, The Message)

Teach me, Lord. I want to live this day for You. Help me to follow You, even in the little things.

Stories

2006-11-02T11:02:00.000-05:00

The Bible is filled with stories, connecting us into lives of commonfolk like ourselves, intersecting with God's activity in their midst. While it is ultimately God's story and His work throughout history, He invites us in, to find ourselves in the pages and identify ourselves with Him and His truth. We learn who we are and what our purpose is in the pages of Scripture.

When Word became flesh, and Jesus walked the earth, He too entered into real lives and real stories. Men, women, children, rich, poor, sick, fallen or lost. He was relational, hearing and touching hearts of many in great need. Jesus often taught in parables because people can relate to and identify with stories.

Stories are a place of connection with another heart. They give opportunity for laughter, tears, lessons, and relationship. Stories invite others in to our lives, open ourselves up to be known, and bear witness to what God is doing in and through us.

I was greatly moved by the story of a baby boy I've been reading about on a blog. He was born with a chromosome disorder that they knew would cut his life short. He was born into a family of faith, who shared his story and gave God glory for every day he lived. Every day was a celebration of birth days. He lived to be 99 days old. In those days, his story was told and shared world-wide. He and his family were lifted up in prayer by a handful of states across the country, and nations around the globe. I cried at his death and how his parents must have felt, but so touched by the connections made by people who didn't even know this family. A baby who lived to be three months old had a story to tell, and his parents are sharing it. God is being glorified in their pain and loss, celebration and joy. It is amazing to hear them share of the gift that will be held forever in their hearts.

Acts 22:15 calls us His witnesses. "You are to take His message everywhere, telling the whole world what you have seen and heard."

What opportunity we have to share our stories with each other! It is an avenue that can draw people to God as we bear witness to His activity in our life. "Whether or not anyone would trade testimonies with me, I have my own story with Christ. I have my own song. My personal testimony is the way I can illustrate the relevance of Scripture and the power of an invisible God in today's world." (From Beth Moore, To Live is Christ) She writes that Paul "asked nothing but a chance to share his testimony. He desired to overcome their hardened hearts by the word of his testimony (see Rev. 12:11)."

No one call tell our story like we can. From our own life, our own circumstance. To share the places where God has opened us up raw, and brought new life and healing. To share a testimony of a life changed, touched, transformed by His hand.

"For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." Luke 6:45 What is God teaching you? What is He stirring in your heart lately? We welcome relationship, connection, and community when we open up to share it. "Speak -- say the words that no one else will ever say. Love -- love like the world we know is over in a day." (Jars of Clay)

Scripture tells us that if we keep silent, the rocks would cry out. There is a story to be told, a voice to be heard. It's your story, your voice, your heart intertwined with His. Bringing Him praise and glory as your story is shared. Hearts strengthened and encouraged, increasing in faith because of His hand in the details of our life. Let Acts 4:20 be said of us. "We cannot stop telling about the wonderful things we have seen and heard."

Out of the Storm

2006-10-30T15:11:00.000-05:00

It has been a hectic few weeks, and this day in particular was fast paced and full. We were headed to Kentucky for a reunion of the families who adopted with us. I had subbed in the morning, and pulled things together in the afternoon. The challenge was that time was moving faster than my productivity. Samuel helped pack from the moment he got home from school until we pulled out of the driveway. Note to parents: train them on the "how to..." before you let them loose. Sorting, organization, and bags would have been helpful. I have to give Samuel credit -- he had amazing energy and zest for getting us on our way. He packed clothes for each of the kids and ran all over the house collecting things -- bathing suits, pj's, toothbrushes, a change of clothes. I didn't follow up, so it was pretty humorous to see what each person had when we got there -- way too much, but not quite right either. We picked Todd up from work so that we could continue heading south and not waste any more time.

It was pouring rain all day, and with the rush of the day and the traffic, I was feeling a bit frazzled. Part of me was glad to be getting out of town for a night with our family, and part of me was overwhelmed with how much work it is for six people and a dog to have details covered enough to go. The weather and rush hour didn't help, but I kept thinking of how good it would be to see the five Chinese "sisters" together.

We had to run past the ATM in case we were headed to the pumpkin patch the next day as planned. The van was running on empty so we had to stop for gas. My mind racing, just wanting to connect with Todd and share about our day, and our van was full of four kids' anticipation and excitement for the outing.

As we pulled out of the bank, we had five crisp ten dollar bills. We never carry cash. We passed a homeless man, standing on the side of the road with his sign. I never know what to do but pray. We drove past, but it wasn't a moment later that Todd and I commented to each other. The homeless are here, not just in big cities. How many are looking for shelter in the pouring rain, wondering where their next meal will come from? Todd said he wanted to give him a ten, not knowing if he'd use it for food or for something else, but knowing it didn't matter either way. It didn't matter if the man was honest or if our money would have been put to good use. Todd didn't want to get in trouble with his wife who accounts for every penny and stretches every dime. Sadly, though, as we passed the man on the corner, the thought came to my mind too that we had an extra ten we could have spared. It kind of amazed me that we both had the same thought, both felt led to do the same thing, but we spoke a moment too late and missed it.

Through our drive and some moments together this weekend, I took the opportunity to be more intentional in sharing with Todd what God has been putting on my heart for us currently. He reflected back such similar feelings; we identified so closely with each other. It was such a gift, a sense that we have a marriage with all of its challenge and imperfections, yet the presence of Jesus stirring in our hearts and minds, uniting us and directing us according to His plan. We have done some incredible growing in the past two years in particular, each in our own areas. But suddenly, I watched as God intertwined our hearts, feeling the same pulse, and knowing more deeply in each other than any one else on earth could possibly know.

I wish we would have taken that opportunity for obedience that we both shared in our hearts. Ultimately as I reflect on the weekend though, I'm so grateful for that connected passion to do whatever God has for us. In His incredible timing, He is bringing us to the same place, to petition His throne as one. We are open, surrendered, and crying out for Him to lead us and keep us in the center of His will, not ours.

For all the rains pouring, for the storms we've been beaten down by, today the sun is bursting through a brilliant blue sky. There is something that incredible, that transforming, about being taken through the storms and seeing what God is bringing forth in us. "Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm..." Job 40:6

Strengthened by Grace

2006-10-27T15:07:00.000-05:00

God's hands are holding me up. Two weeks ago today, we started potty training Maddie. Knowing full well what this endeavor would be like (having done it three times before), I confess I put it off until she was good and ready. Not that I would be ready. Who is ever ready to spend hour upon hour in the bathroom, being a cheerleader for such things? While the freedom from diapers is a good incentive, it comes at a high price of being captive to the four small walls of the bathroom and the mercy of a toddler's timetable to go. Sometimes it means reading a large stack of books for the better part of an hour at a time. We got the house well stocked with necessary supplies -- cloth training pants (with cute butterflies and flowers), potty books, a DVD from the library (you'd be surprised how catchy the songs can be about such a topic), a sticker book, and two bags of m&m's (one bag for Maddie for her successes, and one bag of dark chocolate for me, courtesy of my husband) -- and strive each day toward the goal. Where is God in the midst of my weariness? In seeing the graces of learning and trying, the progress even if far from perfect, and the surety that this too shall pass -- in more ways than one. (Sorry, couldn't resist...you get a strange humor in potty world.)

Shortly after potty training began, Noah had a repeat episode of severe dizziness followed by vomiting. It had happened for a couple of days in August, and then again last week. I'm not sure which is worse -- seeing your son in utter fear, anxiety, and unable to stand up without holding onto the wall, or not knowing what is causing it or how to help. We took him to the doctor, which led to bloodwork, a CT scan, and an upcoming ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat) appointment at Children's Hospital in November. Where is God in the midst of such uncertainty? Prayers for peace in the midst of testing were clearly answered. Noah was brave, and even more impressively, so was I. God undergirded me to be calm and strong for Noah, when my human weakness would have fallen apart.

We dropped the van off at the dealer after the CT scan. Like a strange mirror to Noah's experiences, it too needed diagnostic testing. They kept it for a day and of course found nothing wrong with it. The following day, we got a call asking us to come in to replace some electrical systems that might have caused the problem. So back to the dealer, they kept the van for another day, and in working to fix one thing, they found there were two more things needing care. Where is God in the midst of unexpected bills? The provision of a warranty for the bulk of the cost, the dear friends that helped when we were stranded, and the prevention of an accident when we didn't know our brakes had failed.

Our week went on like this...Samuel going to the eye doctor and needing glasses, the dryer breaking for the third time in just a few short months, and I could add more. I began to wonder what would be next, what physical or financial hardship would be the one that takes us too far. Things felt so far out of my control, as one thing happened right after the next.

Somewhere in the middle of it, God grabbed my attention. He turned my focus from what was happening to how He was in it. To see the blessings hidden in those hard moments -- His presence, His grace, His hand holding me up. Yes, things felt beyond my control, but He brought me back to realizing they are all fully in His. Not a single thing is beyond His ability to intervene with His grace.

Hebrews 13:9 says, "It is well for the heart to be strengthened by grace." My perspective changed when I looked for His blessing instead of focusing on the things that overwhelmed me. His grace is enough for me, but I have to appropriate His gift of grace and receive it. He strengthens my heart and holds me in His hand. "From His fullness we have all received grace upon grace. " John 1:16

Investments

2006-10-22T21:15:00.000-05:00

Several years ago, we were living in Kentucky with three small children, ages 6,3, and a baby. Life was as full as you can imagine, with a husband in seminary and doing a handful of odd jobs like bus driving, grounds keeping for the school district, mopping lunchrooms, or making sandwiches and culinary creations at the local coffee shop. While Todd was busy studying and working, I was equally as busy holding down the homefront. In addition to leading a large women's Bible study group, most waking hours were filled with helping one child learn to read and ride a bike, potty training a second, and nursing a third. I had few moments to myself to rest, read, pray, think, and reflect, aside from the early hours of the morning before the pitter patter of the kids' feet came running down the hallway. I'm not sure how it worked, but many times they knew I was awake, and they were quick to join me -- so no matter what time I set the alarm clock, their body clocks woke them up earlier too.

My parents came for a visit to our Kentucky home. We were so glad for the time shared together because it was such a rare treat. It was a seven hour drive back to Pittsburgh, and with three small children it wasn't a trip we made frequently. When Grandma and Grandad came, the kids pulled out the trains, the legos, games and art supplies, and filled every moment with fun. We visited apple orchards and pumpkin farms, or took a scenic drive to see the horse farms on the rolling hills of Kentucky.

I often cooked big meals for Mom and Dad when they came. It wasn't so much that I wanted to impress them; more so, I was just thankful for the helping hands with the kids so that I could be free to enjoy my kitchen. I love time "at table", as my dear friend Barbara calls it. It is precious time shared together, hearing stories, laughing at memories, or sharing hearts. A homemade meal, that can sometimes be given special care, invites you in to warmth and relationship. There is time to talk while making preparations for the meal, remembering years past when Mom used to cook for me and now I can return the gift. The kids run by, and I think how that used to be me; but here is Mom, visiting my kitchen and now I'm the Mom. Even squeezing into a small table, bumping elbows, and everyone eager to sit by Grandma and Grandad, all part of the warm memories. A great time of blessings, there at table.

We had a full day, a great meal shared together, and the kids were tucked sweetly into their beds. I was finishing up the dinner dishes and enjoying the quiet moment to catch my breath. My Dad came into the kitchen with his bright smile, that I was so glad to see. It was my turn now that the kids were in bed, since it is too hard for them to share Grandad while they are awake. My Dad loves to laugh and play hard, and then he likes to sleep hard. I remember many times that he would suddenly crash out on the floor and take a snooze. When we were eager for him to do something with us, we'd wonder if he could hear us talking and planning. Then just as still as ever, eyes still closed, he'd calmly say, "I'm just resting my eyes." Of course we knew better when his snores rattled the windows.

Dad is a financial guru. He loves numbers and accounting. He follows stocks more closely than I follow the weather to see what to dress our kids in. Dad comes for a visit, but he is quick to ask where our newspaper is or if we have internet. He can be present in the moment, enjoying life, laughter, or table, and then his memory is jarred that it has been a few hours since he last checked the stocks. With a compelling urgency, he goes to the paper, the internet, or if we didn't have either of those, he calls his 1-800 numbers for an update.

Dad is very wise and responsible with finances. He wanted to raise his daughters to be the same. From the time we were in ninth grade, we had to take a business class and learn how to reconcile our checkbooks. Money was a very serious matter, and yet it was something Dad has truly enjoyed tracking and keeping tabs on. So that night in Kentucky, his big smile welcomed me into this friendly conversation with my Dad. "So Julie....how are your investments doing?" He and Mom were gracious to get us started in some mutual funds that we could use towards our children's college education or our retirement. (Note that I said get us started...not that it would fully support us. Aw, nuts!) Like my parents, I take finances very seriously. There isn't a month I don't reconcile the checkbook to the penny. I track all of our spending and itemize receipts. I was quick to reply to Dad's question, however, by saying, "They are doing great, Dad... I think they are asleep in their rooms!!" He gave his warm, familiar chuckle and said, "okay, point well taken..."

Investments. What we give our heart and passion to, and what takes priority in our day. People more than things. Relationships more than to-do lists. Things that last and not things that fade away. Giving our all to the things that matter the most brings the greatest return. "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Luke 6:38

"Give away your life; you'll find life given back, but not merely given back—given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity." The Message

Available

2006-10-20T18:33:00.000-05:00

Present, ready, at hand. Sometimes waiting on God can grow us in expectancy and urgency. Waiting for marching orders.

Wondering, curious, eager. Hearts racing with questions, unrest. Wanting to hear God, wanting to figure it out. Wrestling.

Yielded, willing, surrendered. Waiting on God can be a letting go of our understanding of what we thought He had for us to do. Ready to just "be". Ready to rest in Him and trust He knows what He is doing.

A new season, deeper still. Believing God has a great purpose in mind, even if I have to wait for Him to bring it to fruition. Holding on, not knowing, and letting Him get me there.

Sight not needed. Understanding can wait. In Your time, in Your way, You will show me.

Whatever You have in mind, Lord. Here I am.

Risky Prayers

2006-10-16T01:17:00.000-05:00

I just realized it was two years ago this month. Our women's ministry was at an exciting point of bringing in a key note speaker for our fall retreat. Kristi was dynamic and passionate -- about women's ministry, God's Word, and God Himself. She invested in me as the women's ministry champion of our church, through the phone calls before she came, and the hours we spent together while she was here. Because women's ministry is a foreign concept to our town, I was so refreshed to be with her. Younger than I am, she had been doing women's ministry for about ten years, a full time staff member of her church, doing the kind of ministry my heart longed to be a part of. She was contagious in every way.

Kristi set the tone of the retreat and her talks with a compelling urgency. She didn't want to talk to us about warm fuzzy faith, feel good theology, and light hearted stories. She wanted Jesus to come to our hearts and bring forth radical transformation. Kristi taught us a breath prayer (a prayer that is said in one breath, so short that it can be repeated frequently throughout the day) that I began praying at the retreat. The prayer is, "Do the deep soul work, Lord!!"

What does this "deep soul work" mean? To me it means that I want God to do whatever it takes in my life to bring forth greater wholeness and redemption in me. It means that I'm allowing Him to fully come in, and I want His Spirit to root out anything that keeps me from His best. It means I'm praying He would take me deeper with Him, and not allow me to live in a shallow, heartless faith.

Shortly after our women's retreat, Todd went on a mission trip to Haiti. I carried this deep soul work prayer over to include my husband, and that God would accomplish a rich purpose in the Haiti team. I trust God worked in each team member in a significant and unique way. Todd was so moved by Haiti that I began to wonder if God was calling us forward in missions. He has been planting seeds in our hearts for missions in numerous ways over the years, and I saw Haiti as a seed that would reap fruit one day. It has all kinds of ripple effects.

Todd came home from Haiti, and within a short couple of weeks he had to leave a job he loved. It was the start of a road we never would have asked for...or did we? My risky prayers were being answered. Like being beckoned out on a limb, but into the safest, richest place we could ever be. Sometimes scary, never ho-hum, definitely adventurous, and more alive than ever before.

Sara Groves has put music to so many feelings I've had on this road. "What I thought I wanted, and what I got instead, leaves me broken and grateful. I want to be broken, peaceful, faithful, grateful."

I want to be broken? Surely not. Ouch! Last night I read, "Those who have been gripped by the power of the Holy Spirit and are used for God's glory are those who have been broken in their finances, broken in their self-will, broken in their ambitions, broken in their lofty ideals, broken in their worldly reputation, broken in their desires, and often broken in their health. Yes, He uses those who are despised by the world and who seem totally hopeless and helpless, just as Isaiah said: 'The lame will carry off plunder.' (Isaiah 33:23)" Streams in the Desert

What deep soul work does God have in mind for us? Are there areas (maybe a few of those listed in Streams: finances, self-will, ambition, ideals, reputation, desires, health) that we need to open up and allow Him full access? Or do we pull back and refuse Him?

Radiant

2006-10-14T13:39:00.000-05:00

I love the beauty of the fall colors bursting forth the radiance of God! Every fall season, I am speechless over the orange, red, and golden leaves. It seems that almost in an instant, carefully orchestrated, the leaves burst forth their song to praise the God who created them. As we drive through the fall sunshine, I have a yearly tradition of pointing out which colors thrill me the most -- drawing attention to them and making sure no one in our family misses it.

Our girls have often heard their mama say, "You're so beautiful!" Their faces beam with joy in those tender moments! Then I say, "Who makes you beautiful???" "Jesus!!!" they say with such giddiness only a little girl could express. I affirm them, "That's right!! Jesus makes you beautiful!"

I love what Scripture tells us happened as a direct result of Moses’ time with the LORD. His face became radiant because he had spoken with the LORD (Exodus 34:29). Only God’s presence can bring that kind of transforming power. Our time with Him will have profound results. Jesus will transform us from the inside out as we spend time in His Word. Psalm 19:8 tells us, “The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes.”

David longs to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD (see Psalm 27:4-8). Behold the beauty of the LORD. Spending time lingering there with Him, resting in His presence, enjoying the intimacy of His embrace. As we have beheld the glory of our GOD, what is our result? “Then you will look and be radiant, your heart will throb and swell with joy.” Isaiah 60:5

We cannot help but be affected by His glory and His radiance. It is too bright, too beautiful, to walk away unchanged. Just as those fall trees burst forth their radiance, so God intends for us to be radiant and reflect His light to a world that walks in darkness. "And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory -- we can be mirrors that brightly reflect the glory of the Lord. And as the Spirit of the Lord works within us, we become more and more like Him and reflect His glory even more. Brighter and brighter glory -- this is the working of the Lord who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:18 (blended translations)

Praise Him today as you behold His wonders. His bright glory fills the whole earth! (Isaiah 6:3, MSG)

Jesus, My Red Thread

2006-10-11T16:18:00.000-05:00

Tuning into His presence around me, I am in awe of Him. Sometimes the details come together in such a way that you can only say you've seen God. The Chinese have a saying about a red thread, weaving people and time and places together. I think they are trying to put a picture to something so vast and so incredible that words fail. I have had a few moments this week where all I could do is stand speechless and think "wow, that was God..."

I had a raw moment of surrender with God in my prayer time last week. I often tell God what my heart's desire would be, but I willingly (even if hesitantly) choose His way instead knowing that it is best for me. Part of my heart stays open that maybe He gave me the desire as part of His plan for me, maybe He will shape it and refine it, and I wonder if He will fulfill it in His time and His way. This time, though, I laid down one of my heart's desires, figuring I must have missed it. I felt another round of pain, but tried to brush the dust off my knees and move on without turning to Him for comfort or understanding.

I was leaving Bible Study when a woman in the hallway stopped and asked about Maddie. I didn't know the woman, but it is commonplace now for us to have a conversation with unfamiliar faces in the grocery store, the post office, or wherever, hearing about families with babies from China. Suddenly though, she realized she had prayed specifically for Maddie. I could see her piecing together our story, and she shared that she prayed for me, Todd, our family at the hardest time of our lives. She didn't know the specifics of our story, but she is dear friends with a woman who asked for prayer for us. The moment was somewhat surreal -- suddenly there in the hallway I was sharing a testimony of the faithfulness of God in the midst of the deep place He has had us in the past two years. Instead of it being a complete stranger though, there was a God connection there that deeply ministered to my heart. I was so touched that someone who didn't even know me would be praying and holding our family up in her prayers. How tender my God is to allow our paths to meet. Not just randomly, but in a week that the journey felt long and my dreams felt deserted. I felt alone and forgotten, but God used this woman to tell me He is there. A reminder that God hears, God sees, God understands, God cares...about me and my heart. My eyes just filled with tears on the ride home, amazed at how He orchestrates details.

A few days later, I received an e-mail from one of the team members from our China mission trip this summer. She and her husband were called to adoption and have been attending a home fellowship group for adoptive families. It is a large group of 75-100 people. A woman came with pictures of her soon-to-be-daughter in Siping, China -- the same orphanage we went to, and our team member holding her daughter! They hadn't met each other previously, but suddenly they had a world in common and endless stories to share! The really amazing thing about that is that the woman almost didn't go that night because she had other things she needed to do....our two team members almost didn't go on the mission trip...we almost didn't go to Siping because our team was too small, then there was no where to stay until our orphanage director went to bat for us, and there was no translator because all companies were booked. Who is this God who has such incredible things in mind for us???

God is so intentional, purposeful, multi-faceted in how He orchestrates details. Scripture tells us, That is what the Scriptures mean when they say, "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9 These two stories happening back-to-back in my week were like a double portion, a follow up lesson in case I didn't hear it clearly the first time. God is sovereign and He cares for every detail of our lives. We know that, and yet experiencing it first hand is the most incredible thing in the world!

These neat little connections continue, some seemingly small but actually significant because God is in it. I think God continues to show up in the smallest of details for those who are willing to pay attention to Him. Just this morning, I was thinking about a dear friend from our China trip. She was one of the treasures Jesus gave me in China. I missed her, thought to call and let her know this Sunday will be the China testimony and video clips. The phone rang an hour later, and there she was. A gift indeed. Just today, Todd and I were talking about Haiti. He had been deeply impacted by this mission trip two years ago and our church is preparing to go again. He was having lunch with a former colleague, and somehow Haiti came up and this man was interested. Todd said if he wanted to go, he would go with him. Even now I think hmm....what are You up to, Jesus?

Even in the silly and mundane, He can simply touch my heart and put a smile on my face. I had a conversation with my Dad about fortune cookie messages, and remembered that I really liked what one had said when we were at a China team reunion. I had saved it, but couldn't find it and didn't even remember what it said. I've been sad lately that I haven't heard from our new China friends in awhile. Today I found the fortune cookie message. It said, "The person you are thinking of is also thinking of you." Now was that God giving me that message? Doesn't matter. It might sound like a ridiculous example, but He warmed my heart with it either way - a sweet blessing.

Beth Moore calls them "God STOPS" -- Savor The Observable Presence. It is where God shows up and interrupts our day with Himself. When the risen Lord interrupted Mary Magdalene's day in the garden, she ran to tell the disciples the news: "I have seen the Lord!!" John 20:18 Jesus woos me every time He makes those incredible connections, His signature written by red thread.

An Invitation

2006-10-09T16:10:00.000-05:00

There is something incredibly difficult about vulnerability. Being raw with someone. Our heart exposed. As I begin this new blog, I'm excited to have a place to journal lessons, thoughts, reflections -- to type into my keyboard what runs through the corners of my mind. It's a strange feeling right now, where no one has my blogsite address. You know it could just be a journal for me and God. That would pretty cool...but I have one of those. There is the joy of sharing something that's on your heart, something that may encourage someone else in their faith journey -- and I would hate to miss out on that. Even now though, I'm tempted to close off to some and I wonder why.

Vulnerability. This past week I read the following: "We can only risk stepping out when we are resting in the love of God. When we have received His verdict on our lives -- that we are chosen and dearly loved. Then we are free to offer. Entrusting ourselves to God. We don't get to wait to offer our lives until we have our life together. If we did, would anyone ever feel like offering anything? God asks us to be vulnerable. He invites us to share and give in our weaknesses.

To live as an authentic, ransomed, and redeemed woman means to be real and present in this moment. If we continue to hide, much will be lost. We cannot have intimacy with God or anyone else if we stay hidden and offer only who we think we ought to be or what we believe is wanted.

What have we to offer, really, other than who we are and what God has been pouring into our lives? He will lead you first into Himself; and then, with Him, He will lead you into the world that He loves and needs you to love. It is by Invitation." John and Stasi Eldridge, Captivating

In the book of John we have another invitation. In the first chapter, John tells us to clear the way for the LORD's coming! (John 1:23) Look! There is the Lamb of God! After getting our attention twice with the command to look, he invites us in. Come and see. Jesus invites Philip to "Come, be My disciple. Follow Me." Philip in turn includes more in the invitation when he says to Nathanael, "Just come and see for yourself."

The Greek for see is eido or oida. It means, "to perceive by any of the senses, notice, discern, discover, to turn the eyes, the mind, the attention to anything, to pay attention, observe, look at, behold, to have an interview with, to visit, to have regard for one, cherish." I love that. How often do we let things roll past our senses, and we miss what comes our way? Every day, we have an opportunity to clear the way for the LORD's coming. Tune in our senses. Pay attention. Turn our eyes to behold Him. Come and see for yourself.

In the quote I shared above, it said to be authentic and redeemed means to be real and present in this moment. Intimacy with God comes from being vulnerable with Him, open and raw, so that He can pour Himself into our hearts. Then we have something incredible to offer. He leads us first to Himself to be with Him, then He leads us out -- to tell the world, to give His love. It is by invitation.

I like how personal it gets when it tells us in plain words, "Come and see for yourself." Don't settle for hearing about someone else's great quiet time, or someone else's worship or prayers. Draw near. Nestle in to the love of God. John 4:42 bears witness to this concept. "Now we believe because we have heard Him ourselves, not just because of what you told us." Look -- come -- see. That invitation is for you.